not much to say.
so much to do.
a good quiet month.
and a coy smile or two.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Monday, July 16, 2007
Ladies and Gentlemen
I wish I could be a guy for a week. Or maybe be a series of different guys over the course of a week. I would like to perceive the world from that angle, because I wonder if they are like girls and there are different levels of sexual preoccupation or if it's just high across the board. I wonder if it would shock me. (either way).
The roots of this are in my moving-to-BC situation (what doesn't have roots in that these days). Rob and I were agreed that being roommates would be ideal and practical and fun, and not to mention: safe. Turns out his church leaders/bosses have a different outlook--which I respect and am more than willing to accommodate and hear out. Personally, I have no qualms about living with guys and I come from a family of very disciplined and loyal characters who make it a point in life to stick to our guns and beliefs. And I have a huge bone to pick with the "Christian culture" that puts more emphasis on hiding out from sin than confronting and defying it in Christ's name. This "spirit" of self-preservation is an evil one as far as I'm concerned, but that's a whole other story. If you think I'm a raging heretic, ask me about it sometime. I may or may not be making overstatements to offend you.
Now. Not to be a victim of my circumstances, I have decided to devote some time to figuring out whether or not I am just an ignorant secularized whore who needs the bible and a convent-apartment. 'Cause y'see, I will be the first to admit that I am a far cry from the pheromone-soaked girl who just blasted into the shop hunting for decals to complement the huge pink playboy ones she's putting on her car. Not to say I'm completely oblivious to the inherent sexuality that females possess--I've had over a decade's worth of thoughtful Betty Boop/porn star referencing reminders of the fact that I have curves, and more than enough teenage "suitors" professing their appreciation for older women--but I've made a point of focusing on a different Power in my life. And this focus I'm so used to by now makes me have to step back and squint when someone suggests I could be a threat to it.
I've been friends with several guys over the years, and I've never seen myself as a "stumbling block" to them whatsoever--I'm way too boring and plain for that kind of business. Aren't there certain girls that guys just don't think of like that? That are safe to live with and not dread? I mean, I read that Captivating book and "celebrated my femininity" and all...but I gotta say: it kind of offends me that I could be put on a shelf along with meth and internet porn. Just for being a girl. Surely not every person you set a drug in front of would be compelled to take it--surely not every male you could put me in an apartment with would have an irrepressable desire to be with me. Here is where we get to the great beast of Subjectivity.
Fair enough is a church's argument that co-ed living arrangements might not be an "appropriate witness" or could cause brothers to stumble, as such a circumstance might be construed as a gateway to sexual sin... But what about Christians taking jobs that pay ludicrous amounts of money? Isn't money even more dangerous than sex (see: The Bible and/or the actual founding force behind the sex trade industry), and yet there is no patrolling spirit in our churches discouraging the contexts that could serve as witnesses to riches and gateways to materialism. Ah, but we are much more willing to consider subjective situations when money is involved--maybe they will be good stewards and resist the temptation to build up earthly kingdoms in favor of charity and Christian influence! However, children, when it comes to sex let us just make objective blanket statements so we don't have to think too hard. "The fact is, boys have penises and girls have vaginas and obviously, 2+2=sex. What's that you say? He's a dentist and she has 6 credit cards? Well, let's hear them out."
(Just to clarify: These are just some overall observances about the modern church--no church in particular, should you think I'm being horrible and mocking Rob's church--like I said, I'd be endlessly happy to hear them out on their position.)
The bottom line is this:
I am trying to figure out whether or not I am in denial over my roles (chosen and not) in creation and this life. And I wish the church would do the same.
The roots of this are in my moving-to-BC situation (what doesn't have roots in that these days). Rob and I were agreed that being roommates would be ideal and practical and fun, and not to mention: safe. Turns out his church leaders/bosses have a different outlook--which I respect and am more than willing to accommodate and hear out. Personally, I have no qualms about living with guys and I come from a family of very disciplined and loyal characters who make it a point in life to stick to our guns and beliefs. And I have a huge bone to pick with the "Christian culture" that puts more emphasis on hiding out from sin than confronting and defying it in Christ's name. This "spirit" of self-preservation is an evil one as far as I'm concerned, but that's a whole other story. If you think I'm a raging heretic, ask me about it sometime. I may or may not be making overstatements to offend you.
Now. Not to be a victim of my circumstances, I have decided to devote some time to figuring out whether or not I am just an ignorant secularized whore who needs the bible and a convent-apartment. 'Cause y'see, I will be the first to admit that I am a far cry from the pheromone-soaked girl who just blasted into the shop hunting for decals to complement the huge pink playboy ones she's putting on her car. Not to say I'm completely oblivious to the inherent sexuality that females possess--I've had over a decade's worth of thoughtful Betty Boop/porn star referencing reminders of the fact that I have curves, and more than enough teenage "suitors" professing their appreciation for older women--but I've made a point of focusing on a different Power in my life. And this focus I'm so used to by now makes me have to step back and squint when someone suggests I could be a threat to it.
I've been friends with several guys over the years, and I've never seen myself as a "stumbling block" to them whatsoever--I'm way too boring and plain for that kind of business. Aren't there certain girls that guys just don't think of like that? That are safe to live with and not dread? I mean, I read that Captivating book and "celebrated my femininity" and all...but I gotta say: it kind of offends me that I could be put on a shelf along with meth and internet porn. Just for being a girl. Surely not every person you set a drug in front of would be compelled to take it--surely not every male you could put me in an apartment with would have an irrepressable desire to be with me. Here is where we get to the great beast of Subjectivity.
Fair enough is a church's argument that co-ed living arrangements might not be an "appropriate witness" or could cause brothers to stumble, as such a circumstance might be construed as a gateway to sexual sin... But what about Christians taking jobs that pay ludicrous amounts of money? Isn't money even more dangerous than sex (see: The Bible and/or the actual founding force behind the sex trade industry), and yet there is no patrolling spirit in our churches discouraging the contexts that could serve as witnesses to riches and gateways to materialism. Ah, but we are much more willing to consider subjective situations when money is involved--maybe they will be good stewards and resist the temptation to build up earthly kingdoms in favor of charity and Christian influence! However, children, when it comes to sex let us just make objective blanket statements so we don't have to think too hard. "The fact is, boys have penises and girls have vaginas and obviously, 2+2=sex. What's that you say? He's a dentist and she has 6 credit cards? Well, let's hear them out."
(Just to clarify: These are just some overall observances about the modern church--no church in particular, should you think I'm being horrible and mocking Rob's church--like I said, I'd be endlessly happy to hear them out on their position.)
The bottom line is this:
I am trying to figure out whether or not I am in denial over my roles (chosen and not) in creation and this life. And I wish the church would do the same.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
this is me at work.
so speaking of fake stuff, i have a fake engagement ring. i wear it if someone invites me to a shady pub/lounge and sometimes i throw it in my pocket on my way to work in case a creepy lingering guy stops in. is that totally weird? i think it's funny. and functional. mahah. (came in handy this morning! guys who come in shopping for sunglasses are never a good story and are always chock-full of lame anecdotes and quotes.)
i am so stoked on this weekend.
i've been used to summers featuring a decent amount of alone time with kalen and i working opposite shifts of each other and my parents being out at the farm. but this summer blair and marc' have been in town a ton and kalen and i were working days, so nights have been a full house of boys and loud movies.
but noooowww...kalen is moved up to regina, and blair and marc' have gone off on a bike trip to the states for an undetermined number of days...which means...two whole houses to myself!
i have all kinds of extravagantly boring plans brewing in my mind...
tonight i think i'll make spaghetti and actually get to eat some of it (usually kalen gets one whiff and pounces ravenously on it)...then i'll build my sweet fort that i wanted to do last night and watch The Sandlot...i think aaron's coming to visit tomorrow night, so that'll be cool to see an old friend again!...on saturday i think i'll go out to the farm and hang out for a while...we just got a bunch of saskatoons from the little place on the way there, so maybe i'll bake a pie and then scoop out all the filling and only eat bits of the crust...bahahah..(yep that's serrriously how i eat pie! haaate mushy filling!) ... it'd be fun to hang out there overnight but i think it's too scary to stay there all by myself, so maybe not. or maybe i'll just stay up all night watching movies and generating fear over sounds coming from outside? hahah. i think sunday shall be a "lost day" ... one of those ones where you forget what day it is and it seems to last forever. mmhmmm...maybe sitting outside reading and compiling my camp stuff.
this is going to be really great! i love summer...
* *
i am so stoked on this weekend.
i've been used to summers featuring a decent amount of alone time with kalen and i working opposite shifts of each other and my parents being out at the farm. but this summer blair and marc' have been in town a ton and kalen and i were working days, so nights have been a full house of boys and loud movies.
but noooowww...kalen is moved up to regina, and blair and marc' have gone off on a bike trip to the states for an undetermined number of days...which means...two whole houses to myself!
i have all kinds of extravagantly boring plans brewing in my mind...
tonight i think i'll make spaghetti and actually get to eat some of it (usually kalen gets one whiff and pounces ravenously on it)...then i'll build my sweet fort that i wanted to do last night and watch The Sandlot...i think aaron's coming to visit tomorrow night, so that'll be cool to see an old friend again!...on saturday i think i'll go out to the farm and hang out for a while...we just got a bunch of saskatoons from the little place on the way there, so maybe i'll bake a pie and then scoop out all the filling and only eat bits of the crust...bahahah..(yep that's serrriously how i eat pie! haaate mushy filling!) ... it'd be fun to hang out there overnight but i think it's too scary to stay there all by myself, so maybe not. or maybe i'll just stay up all night watching movies and generating fear over sounds coming from outside? hahah. i think sunday shall be a "lost day" ... one of those ones where you forget what day it is and it seems to last forever. mmhmmm...maybe sitting outside reading and compiling my camp stuff.
this is going to be really great! i love summer...
* *
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
tuesday
i have a false book. it's one of those wood boxes that looks like a book. i put treasure in it and forget it's there. i suppose that's what this place is. except it's not treasure. just words.
today i miss someone but i don't know who it is. have you ever had that? where you feel the feeling of missing someone in particular but you're not sure just who it is? it's kind of fun because it's mysterious and it could be anyone, for any reason, and you could realize it at any moment.
today i miss someone but i don't know who it is. have you ever had that? where you feel the feeling of missing someone in particular but you're not sure just who it is? it's kind of fun because it's mysterious and it could be anyone, for any reason, and you could realize it at any moment.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
dream world
i have a habit of tearing bits of pictures and patterns and stories and things out of magazines and tossing them all in folders for projects and presents and general junk that i indulge in later. same goes for treasure-collecting at thrift and vintage shops. i never really know for sure what i'm going to do with certain things, but i know it's going to be something special at just the right time.
i do the same thing with life. once upon a high school i wanted to be a dentist. (i know--sick!) ... but inevitably i fled from a future of mundane predictability and have been collecting a little mental folder of ideas for life, which i rifle through from time to time and piece together differently based on recent inspirations.
here is the collage i made this week:
"shaina's possible neat-o life layout no. 38"
own and operate a supercutesy little vintage flavored teahouse-bakery-sort-of-place, maybe in a little old house that is cottage-y...this would be very cozy in the winter and very breezy and sunny in the summer, maybe with some yellow doorjams and one-of-a-kind teacups collection and a lot of cookies and teensy little cakes and cuppycakes that i would decorate with sprinkles and real live flowers (well i guess they'd be dead)...umm...yep it'd be swell and sweet old people as well as rad young people would all hang out there and maybe we'd have scrabble tournaments and shows there? umm..yes and this would maybe also function as "home base" for a pretty gnarly and creative ministry that enlists/harbors/encourages/promotes local artists and writers and musicians and generally community-and-creation-oriented/appreciative folks..and everyone could hang out and visit and get into crazy heated discussions but also just sit and reminisce or stare out windows or make stuff with scissors and glue and glitter and love... and kindergarten classes could come there on field trips to help me bake cookies and then they could all sit around with cookies and milk and listen to me read them my favorite peter pan picturebook from england. umm oh and also, maybe i would just live upstairs or something and i could have a nice little sewing studio up there where i turn my thrift treasures into custom deluxe "couture" items for my dear friends and acquaintances (and inevitably strangers who hear about the rad junk i'm making and bring their own fistfuls of fabric and dreams to me...maha) that would be during most of the year, in a city, but not too big of a city, but not too little of a city. then during the summer months, i would retreat to my dear little ancient farmhouse in the saskatchewan countryside, where i would live "the simple life" (man, paris and nicole really ruined that phrase) and write stories and have a garden with a LOT of peas in it and picnics and build little boats to float on the dugouts and watch black and white movies in the middle of the night and sleep with all the windows in the house open.
wow. that sounds really good! i like this version. (oh and the end part, when i get old, i will move away, across the atlantic ocean, and live in a tiny cottage in the woods by a stream with a bazillion flowers consuming my yard/house and a rough-looking little wooden fence/gate that i may or may not build myself, near a little town where i will maybe finish the one story i will take my entire life to write and be that gregarious old woman who keeps the townspeople entertained during my sassy jaunts into town for milk and mail. ... and i will probably make them cookies too.)
*
i do the same thing with life. once upon a high school i wanted to be a dentist. (i know--sick!) ... but inevitably i fled from a future of mundane predictability and have been collecting a little mental folder of ideas for life, which i rifle through from time to time and piece together differently based on recent inspirations.
here is the collage i made this week:
"shaina's possible neat-o life layout no. 38"
own and operate a supercutesy little vintage flavored teahouse-bakery-sort-of-place, maybe in a little old house that is cottage-y...this would be very cozy in the winter and very breezy and sunny in the summer, maybe with some yellow doorjams and one-of-a-kind teacups collection and a lot of cookies and teensy little cakes and cuppycakes that i would decorate with sprinkles and real live flowers (well i guess they'd be dead)...umm...yep it'd be swell and sweet old people as well as rad young people would all hang out there and maybe we'd have scrabble tournaments and shows there? umm..yes and this would maybe also function as "home base" for a pretty gnarly and creative ministry that enlists/harbors/encourages/promotes local artists and writers and musicians and generally community-and-creation-oriented/appreciative folks..and everyone could hang out and visit and get into crazy heated discussions but also just sit and reminisce or stare out windows or make stuff with scissors and glue and glitter and love... and kindergarten classes could come there on field trips to help me bake cookies and then they could all sit around with cookies and milk and listen to me read them my favorite peter pan picturebook from england. umm oh and also, maybe i would just live upstairs or something and i could have a nice little sewing studio up there where i turn my thrift treasures into custom deluxe "couture" items for my dear friends and acquaintances (and inevitably strangers who hear about the rad junk i'm making and bring their own fistfuls of fabric and dreams to me...maha) that would be during most of the year, in a city, but not too big of a city, but not too little of a city. then during the summer months, i would retreat to my dear little ancient farmhouse in the saskatchewan countryside, where i would live "the simple life" (man, paris and nicole really ruined that phrase) and write stories and have a garden with a LOT of peas in it and picnics and build little boats to float on the dugouts and watch black and white movies in the middle of the night and sleep with all the windows in the house open.
wow. that sounds really good! i like this version. (oh and the end part, when i get old, i will move away, across the atlantic ocean, and live in a tiny cottage in the woods by a stream with a bazillion flowers consuming my yard/house and a rough-looking little wooden fence/gate that i may or may not build myself, near a little town where i will maybe finish the one story i will take my entire life to write and be that gregarious old woman who keeps the townspeople entertained during my sassy jaunts into town for milk and mail. ... and i will probably make them cookies too.)
*
Monday, July 02, 2007
enough of this silly stuff!
i get way too serious when i'm alone. i could definitely use a solid crew of friends around again and a bit of being fun! i'm really stoked for a change of scenery, an undercover life, space to change, people my actual age again, a decent cup of coffee, a book store, a movie theatre, spare time, snowflakes, new places to explore, midnight dinner, aimless walks, conversations with strangers, people who actually are strangers, not just familiar faces whose names i've forgotten...yeah, this will be good.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
you'd be wise to doubt every word i ever said
my friend jennie tells a story of a "blustery day" that set the stage for an extraordinary moment involving polite strangers-passing-as-they-cross-the-street conversation. the miniscule comments on the weather suddenly became a scene from a musical as the nameless man went all gene kelly on her and burst into song: "come away with me!..." offering her his outstretched hand. what a magical man to create something so colorful on the grey day's canvas * * *
the story had a sad ending, though. jennie chose to deny her true self and rather than taking his hand, she just looked at him. oh the heartbreak--the loss--the muted magic-- ...
i suppose there is a seed of tragedy waiting in every otherwise lovely moment. waiting for you, for me, to crack it open and let its poison out because we dread the good that threatens it? i am not sure i would have taken the man's hand. a girl has got to be wary, afer all. maybe he is not magical--maybe he is a hunter...maybe he doesn't want to make her smile--maybe he wants her to make him smile...maybe he is horrible.
or maybe Someone else just wants them to make each other smile. maybe no one is the victim, no one is the winner, no one is anything at all. and if no one is anything at all, then how can you or i hope to become anything alone?
i am an epic loner. it's not a cultivated image that i bask in or flash around--it's not something i think is good. it's maybe just the biggest lie i buy. i stop short at armslength and i somehow dread everyone, what they think of me, what they want from me, what they don't want from me... and all of this is completely unfair to all of them. it's prejudiced and mean. why should i withhold God's blessings from them and instead offer them unsubstantiated judgements? and even if all they really are going to do is hurt me, i am not undeserving or immune--what makes me think i can guard myself against it? i am a silly, misled girl building fences where i should be planting flowers.
the story had a sad ending, though. jennie chose to deny her true self and rather than taking his hand, she just looked at him. oh the heartbreak--the loss--the muted magic-- ...
i suppose there is a seed of tragedy waiting in every otherwise lovely moment. waiting for you, for me, to crack it open and let its poison out because we dread the good that threatens it? i am not sure i would have taken the man's hand. a girl has got to be wary, afer all. maybe he is not magical--maybe he is a hunter...maybe he doesn't want to make her smile--maybe he wants her to make him smile...maybe he is horrible.
or maybe Someone else just wants them to make each other smile. maybe no one is the victim, no one is the winner, no one is anything at all. and if no one is anything at all, then how can you or i hope to become anything alone?
i am an epic loner. it's not a cultivated image that i bask in or flash around--it's not something i think is good. it's maybe just the biggest lie i buy. i stop short at armslength and i somehow dread everyone, what they think of me, what they want from me, what they don't want from me... and all of this is completely unfair to all of them. it's prejudiced and mean. why should i withhold God's blessings from them and instead offer them unsubstantiated judgements? and even if all they really are going to do is hurt me, i am not undeserving or immune--what makes me think i can guard myself against it? i am a silly, misled girl building fences where i should be planting flowers.
Monday, June 18, 2007
the sneaky shadow
have you ever had a friend who made your ribs run on ahead of you and your lungs feel like air isn't good enough? the kind of friend who made you soooo excited just at the thought of them (and just imagine, in their presence)?? ohhh i want that kind of friend again. what fun, what adventure! secret things and magic and hours quick like minutes if time actually existed and flecks of moonlight trapped in mischievous eyes and surprises that neither knew were coming but that the rest of the universe seemed to've schemed up all around them... ah, i think there's one out there somewhere...but where?! i'll keep my eyes peeled. sneaky, sneaky.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
what i found there
ah, today they are taking away the last of the ancients.
two summers ago they took my old friend in pieces--took her apart and tossed her into the box of a shabby old truck. a very unregal escort for a classy dame such as herself. i mourned her woefully and held a makeshift wake with the window open, hoping johnny cash's sad song would drown out the chainsaw's ravenous howl for her.
i miss her silent splendor and the way she waited like a silver spectre in the summer nights for me, when stars forced light in vain to mimic her. she didn't even have to try, and they didn't look half so nice sprinkled on the velvet alone as they did sprinkled through her lovely hair. in the quiet hour i stood beneath her and gazed heavenward, knowing i could stay forever, not knowing that she couldn't.
i hear that old familiar tune, the song of doom and beauty's requiem again...the final stand.
her right hand is all that's left now, jutting like a skeletal farewell from the earth who just the other day whispered old invitations to come back to life.
and now what? the street makes no sense. the little ones will ask "birch drive? mommy, what is 'birch'?" and maybe someone will remember them. and i--i will find their dear old sisters and mothers and tell them of this urban tragedy i've seen unfold. and maybe if i ask, they will let me stay, and the stars will look right again..
two summers ago they took my old friend in pieces--took her apart and tossed her into the box of a shabby old truck. a very unregal escort for a classy dame such as herself. i mourned her woefully and held a makeshift wake with the window open, hoping johnny cash's sad song would drown out the chainsaw's ravenous howl for her.
i miss her silent splendor and the way she waited like a silver spectre in the summer nights for me, when stars forced light in vain to mimic her. she didn't even have to try, and they didn't look half so nice sprinkled on the velvet alone as they did sprinkled through her lovely hair. in the quiet hour i stood beneath her and gazed heavenward, knowing i could stay forever, not knowing that she couldn't.
i hear that old familiar tune, the song of doom and beauty's requiem again...the final stand.
her right hand is all that's left now, jutting like a skeletal farewell from the earth who just the other day whispered old invitations to come back to life.
and now what? the street makes no sense. the little ones will ask "birch drive? mommy, what is 'birch'?" and maybe someone will remember them. and i--i will find their dear old sisters and mothers and tell them of this urban tragedy i've seen unfold. and maybe if i ask, they will let me stay, and the stars will look right again..
Monday, June 04, 2007
Sunday, April 15, 2007
" mirror, mirror on the wall...
...in the closet, down the hall
i think i thought i heard you fall...
turns out i wasn't there at all"
i know i knew me once before
(but it's been a long time since i've seen me around)
(around town)
(downtown)
(drowntown)
today i can't keep it a secret somehow
(my feelings and face finally aligned)(bad time)(ing) ?
he and he and she and he
caught a glimpse of absent me
i let them see
the thing i fear
hear
the whisper in my ear
but
what
we
want
is to be
homemade physicians,
cooking up prescription
alibis
( you: "so where were you last night?"
her: "she was with us."
me: *lying eyes* )
i guess i'm sorry
to've made you worry
but don't--
because despite what i've forgotten, i still remember
how to fold me
(or the lack thereof)
up neatly
and find my way to the closet
i can toss her there
among the shards
(that way it won't be so hard)
let's make this easy.
easy friendships.relationships.spaceships.
just you and i
into the sky
inside our shiny silver lie
count
down
.
.
*
i think i thought i heard you fall...
turns out i wasn't there at all"
i know i knew me once before
(but it's been a long time since i've seen me around)
(around town)
(downtown)
(drowntown)
today i can't keep it a secret somehow
(my feelings and face finally aligned)(bad time)(ing) ?
he and he and she and he
caught a glimpse of absent me
i let them see
the thing i fear
hear
the whisper in my ear
but
what
we
want
is to be
homemade physicians,
cooking up prescription
alibis
( you: "so where were you last night?"
her: "she was with us."
me: *lying eyes* )
i guess i'm sorry
to've made you worry
but don't--
because despite what i've forgotten, i still remember
how to fold me
(or the lack thereof)
up neatly
and find my way to the closet
i can toss her there
among the shards
(that way it won't be so hard)
let's make this easy.
easy friendships.relationships.spaceships.
just you and i
into the sky
inside our shiny silver lie
count
down
.
.
*
Saturday, March 24, 2007
going under the knife
this morning a breeze blew in, and something came riding on it. maybe it was an idea. or just an impression. but i think if anything, it was only a hint of it. like when you think you smell rain, but you can't see clouds 'cause maybe it's night and you wonder if you really even smelled it at all...
i remember when i was an RA, at least once a day someone would show up in my room asking for some completely random object--and i always had it. i think maybe one time there was something someone needed and i didn't have it. i've always been "that person"...the person who functions like a convenience store or like some kind of contraption that the dad off of Gremlins would have invented to meet every conceivable practical need (alright, and well, seeing as how it's me we're talking about, every ridiculously impractical need as well, eg: "shaina! i need a fluorescent fanny pack full of troll dolls...can you hook me up?" "you know it! i'll be right back!" *descent into the abyss that is the storage closet*)
so anyways, i've been sitting here considering my closet (and the room downstairs full of boxes of junk from years-gone-by that i've yet to go through one final time before leaving home base)...and i'm considering how i'm in this strange state of suspension, between who i've been in the past and who i'm becoming in the now/future. who i was (the convenience store/person who would never throw nostalgic or "period pieces" away because of the amount of times my mom said "i used to have that, but i threw it out" about really rad things, and who was a complete Ariel about collecting one of a kind treasures and hoarding them away in my life full of loot) is still somehow inside of me because i never really bothered to exorcise her. and now she is resurfacing as i consider amputating my treasure trove from my progressive existence.
want to know the first bible verse i ever read that actually tangibly convicted me? "do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven...for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
and i mean, i'm a different person now too. i don't need endless supplies of various things. i pretty much wear the same 8 pieces of clothing to the exclusion of all the "shaina" items that have ironically become very much "unshaina" as i've turned into a fashionably negligent hobo. (maybe i need to go on one of those makeover shows. where they secretly video tape you and show you later and all your loved ones laugh at you for being so lame and shiny strangers whisk you away to spend ludicrous amounts of money on ludicrously small amounts of designer clothing. YUCK! i honestly wouldn't be surprised if my mom or someone recommended me to them, but i honestly would give everyone involved a very big lecture about it. i wonder if they would air that?)
anyways, all that to illustrate how very strange it is to be your old self and your new self all at the same time and to try to figure out what parts of each you need to keep.
lately i've been disciplining myself to not think about the time beyond the immediate (quite yet). i have too much to keep in my brain for the moment, it's kind of a hand-to-mouth, one-day-at-a-time lifestyle for the time being. timetimetime. would you agree with me if i said that time is our culture's most valuable currency? mmmwell that's completely beside the point. but think about it. (not my idea by the way, i read it somewhere once).
but i've been sneaking in little moments where i indulge in the future, and they're kind of fun. this morning i even let myself briefly peruse a magazine that came for me while i was away and there was an article about vancouver in it (they always have an article about a city full of culture in each issue..usually american cities though). that made me wonder (as i had already been wondering while reading an old roommate's blog who thinks i should come live out there with her)...it felt kind of like a tap on the shoulder, like when you've had your eyes on something you're supposed to be looking at but then you got distracted when someone was like, "hey look at this!" (eg: a couple of friends lately saying "don't go to BC...come to ontario!"), and then the person you're actually supposed to be paying attention to gives you a nudge to get your gaze back where it needs to be. that's what that article felt like. i think.
then i let myself consider a little bit who i'm going to be and what i'm going to be doing in half a year's time. and that made me all the more excited to .. what's that word .. ah, prune. to prune my life. i think the treasure collector / practical princess inside of me has planted a tree and just let it grow to epic proportions, and the time is approaching where some edward scissorhands-esque action is going to be required. to take what i need, cut off what i don't, and let this life take some sort of shape.
i think that instead of being a multi-multi-purpose gadget, i just need to be a swiss army knife.
i remember when i was an RA, at least once a day someone would show up in my room asking for some completely random object--and i always had it. i think maybe one time there was something someone needed and i didn't have it. i've always been "that person"...the person who functions like a convenience store or like some kind of contraption that the dad off of Gremlins would have invented to meet every conceivable practical need (alright, and well, seeing as how it's me we're talking about, every ridiculously impractical need as well, eg: "shaina! i need a fluorescent fanny pack full of troll dolls...can you hook me up?" "you know it! i'll be right back!" *descent into the abyss that is the storage closet*)
so anyways, i've been sitting here considering my closet (and the room downstairs full of boxes of junk from years-gone-by that i've yet to go through one final time before leaving home base)...and i'm considering how i'm in this strange state of suspension, between who i've been in the past and who i'm becoming in the now/future. who i was (the convenience store/person who would never throw nostalgic or "period pieces" away because of the amount of times my mom said "i used to have that, but i threw it out" about really rad things, and who was a complete Ariel about collecting one of a kind treasures and hoarding them away in my life full of loot) is still somehow inside of me because i never really bothered to exorcise her. and now she is resurfacing as i consider amputating my treasure trove from my progressive existence.
want to know the first bible verse i ever read that actually tangibly convicted me? "do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven...for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
and i mean, i'm a different person now too. i don't need endless supplies of various things. i pretty much wear the same 8 pieces of clothing to the exclusion of all the "shaina" items that have ironically become very much "unshaina" as i've turned into a fashionably negligent hobo. (maybe i need to go on one of those makeover shows. where they secretly video tape you and show you later and all your loved ones laugh at you for being so lame and shiny strangers whisk you away to spend ludicrous amounts of money on ludicrously small amounts of designer clothing. YUCK! i honestly wouldn't be surprised if my mom or someone recommended me to them, but i honestly would give everyone involved a very big lecture about it. i wonder if they would air that?)
anyways, all that to illustrate how very strange it is to be your old self and your new self all at the same time and to try to figure out what parts of each you need to keep.
lately i've been disciplining myself to not think about the time beyond the immediate (quite yet). i have too much to keep in my brain for the moment, it's kind of a hand-to-mouth, one-day-at-a-time lifestyle for the time being. timetimetime. would you agree with me if i said that time is our culture's most valuable currency? mmmwell that's completely beside the point. but think about it. (not my idea by the way, i read it somewhere once).
but i've been sneaking in little moments where i indulge in the future, and they're kind of fun. this morning i even let myself briefly peruse a magazine that came for me while i was away and there was an article about vancouver in it (they always have an article about a city full of culture in each issue..usually american cities though). that made me wonder (as i had already been wondering while reading an old roommate's blog who thinks i should come live out there with her)...it felt kind of like a tap on the shoulder, like when you've had your eyes on something you're supposed to be looking at but then you got distracted when someone was like, "hey look at this!" (eg: a couple of friends lately saying "don't go to BC...come to ontario!"), and then the person you're actually supposed to be paying attention to gives you a nudge to get your gaze back where it needs to be. that's what that article felt like. i think.
then i let myself consider a little bit who i'm going to be and what i'm going to be doing in half a year's time. and that made me all the more excited to .. what's that word .. ah, prune. to prune my life. i think the treasure collector / practical princess inside of me has planted a tree and just let it grow to epic proportions, and the time is approaching where some edward scissorhands-esque action is going to be required. to take what i need, cut off what i don't, and let this life take some sort of shape.
i think that instead of being a multi-multi-purpose gadget, i just need to be a swiss army knife.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
kill the seed
"an ode to passover"
nah, just kidding.
[ prologue ]
today was the first day of the year where i ran out the front door without even considering to consider whether or not to put on a jacket. that is always a good day. i also got to crack my first springtime opaque ice in the gutter on my way to my car. technically it's not spring yet...but it's close.
the other night, ashley and i had a blockbuster epiphany (i mean..it was in blockbuster) :
most 'holidays'...involve blood.
we had a very impressive presentation wherein we highlighted this fact numerous times.
"Easter? Blood. Halloween? Blood. Valentine's Day? Hearts--blood. Christmas? Bloodline. (and placenta)." (there was a previous discussion involving dogs giving birth..i'll spare you the details.) it went on and on. i was pretty impressed with us. i'm not sure vange and dayn were.
last night emily and i had a pretty good discussion about the Holy Spirit and about it being a foundation rather than a feature of a person. we talked about "self" and dying to yourself and how you really can't allow the Spirit to function properly if you're treating it like a consultant instead of an operator.
it's almost time to seed. my dad is a farmer. and i've been to bible college. so obviously, the concept of a seed needing to die to do anything productive is instilled in me. i guess it's kind of one of those cliche things that most christians are familiar with but probably don't take to heart as much as they should.
[ chapter 1 - death: i'm not goth--hear me out ]
so back to blood.
this time of year is covered in death.
depressing dead trees pressed against gloomy grey skies..brown grass matted with mud..farmers getting ready for the mutilation of the land and the mass genocide of their seeds..everything leading to Easter and the crucifixion..
what a perfectly good time to kill yourself.
well i mean, not literally. metaphorically.
[ chapter 2 - resurrection: not a horror movie, a love story ]
do you like putting an album on random mode? i do. it kind of gives you this feeling of someone else being in charge of what you are going to hear even though you chose the album you wanted to hear it from...almost like they could tailor it from wherever they invisibly are into a special message just for you.
do you like letting go of your life?
nah, just kidding.
[ prologue ]
today was the first day of the year where i ran out the front door without even considering to consider whether or not to put on a jacket. that is always a good day. i also got to crack my first springtime opaque ice in the gutter on my way to my car. technically it's not spring yet...but it's close.
the other night, ashley and i had a blockbuster epiphany (i mean..it was in blockbuster) :
most 'holidays'...involve blood.
we had a very impressive presentation wherein we highlighted this fact numerous times.
"Easter? Blood. Halloween? Blood. Valentine's Day? Hearts--blood. Christmas? Bloodline. (and placenta)." (there was a previous discussion involving dogs giving birth..i'll spare you the details.) it went on and on. i was pretty impressed with us. i'm not sure vange and dayn were.
last night emily and i had a pretty good discussion about the Holy Spirit and about it being a foundation rather than a feature of a person. we talked about "self" and dying to yourself and how you really can't allow the Spirit to function properly if you're treating it like a consultant instead of an operator.
it's almost time to seed. my dad is a farmer. and i've been to bible college. so obviously, the concept of a seed needing to die to do anything productive is instilled in me. i guess it's kind of one of those cliche things that most christians are familiar with but probably don't take to heart as much as they should.
[ chapter 1 - death: i'm not goth--hear me out ]
so back to blood.
this time of year is covered in death.
depressing dead trees pressed against gloomy grey skies..brown grass matted with mud..farmers getting ready for the mutilation of the land and the mass genocide of their seeds..everything leading to Easter and the crucifixion..
what a perfectly good time to kill yourself.
well i mean, not literally. metaphorically.
[ chapter 2 - resurrection: not a horror movie, a love story ]
do you like putting an album on random mode? i do. it kind of gives you this feeling of someone else being in charge of what you are going to hear even though you chose the album you wanted to hear it from...almost like they could tailor it from wherever they invisibly are into a special message just for you.
do you like letting go of your life?
Friday, March 02, 2007
cigarettes'n'stuff
isn't it great how we're so prone to addiction.
we're so good at just getting hooked on things and buying into them to the point where we hand our lives over to them, the things.
and then one day, after a longass time of devoting all your time and resources to the thing, you stop and look back over it all and say to yourself, "did i seriously just do that?"
and who ever knows until it's way too effin' late whether it was worth it or not.
i'm one of those irritatingly content people who can usually swing any thing to seem like it was worth something in the end.
i just spent a week on a paper that i do not give a rat's sweet behind about. was that worth it? mmm probably not. i didn't really learn anything i didn't already know. except some stuff about chairs and ancient marriage customs. however, i did take a break tonight and write a few letters. i'm much happier about the 20 minutes i spent writing letters than i am about the week i spent writing that paper. i just spent 5 years and i don't even want to think about how much money on a degree. but i'm pretty sure it's useful for the most part. but there was definitely a lot of wasted time in there.
but i think i have a tendency to save up wasted time like toxic materials i'm waiting to detonate to make a really good point about something someday. so it probably works itself out.
we're so good at just getting hooked on things and buying into them to the point where we hand our lives over to them, the things.
and then one day, after a longass time of devoting all your time and resources to the thing, you stop and look back over it all and say to yourself, "did i seriously just do that?"
and who ever knows until it's way too effin' late whether it was worth it or not.
i'm one of those irritatingly content people who can usually swing any thing to seem like it was worth something in the end.
i just spent a week on a paper that i do not give a rat's sweet behind about. was that worth it? mmm probably not. i didn't really learn anything i didn't already know. except some stuff about chairs and ancient marriage customs. however, i did take a break tonight and write a few letters. i'm much happier about the 20 minutes i spent writing letters than i am about the week i spent writing that paper. i just spent 5 years and i don't even want to think about how much money on a degree. but i'm pretty sure it's useful for the most part. but there was definitely a lot of wasted time in there.
but i think i have a tendency to save up wasted time like toxic materials i'm waiting to detonate to make a really good point about something someday. so it probably works itself out.
Monday, February 26, 2007
the place between your heart and your head
is your throat.
that's kind of interesting, hey: the place where your words are made is the place where your heart and your head meet up. i think this is important and i just realized it. that's really cool though, because that really fits with what i've been thinking about this morning (and what i need to purge out of my mind to make room for the entire book i need to read today)...
"out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks"
or does it??
i used to have this accidental dissociation between what i really felt/thought and what my facial expression said i was feeling/thinking. but now that i think about it, it was probably just that i was putting my thoughts or feelings too much in my head and i just looked like i was thinking too much when really maybe i was happy or angry or excited...i think i got over that, but now it's turned into this thing where what i say is overflowing out of my head more than my heart. in fact, yep, i definitely remember saying a couple weeks ago "i usually don't let something out of my mouth until it's been in my head for a day." isn't that horrible!!?! i'm trying to figure out why i don't let things out of my heart so easily. in fact, if i were to adapt this i suppose i would have to admit that "i usually don't let something out of my mouth until it's been in my heart for a year."
wow. whoa. wow. okay. so i just looked down at the glass case beside me and noticed the reflection of the window and outside in it, where it is snowing these wonderful, electric, fluffy flakes. and this dull, upside-down partial reflection of an image through a dirty window is the perfect illustration God is giving me right now of what my love is like. it's not even close to being outside in the snow with it hiding itself in your hair and brushing past your face. it's dust locked up in a box forgotten in an old house. (i had a dream about an old house full of dirt and cobwebs last night. i just remembered that. hmm.)
i had a moment in there where i stopped and just listened to the music playing and the one line sung in my pause was "lose your head just for your heart." what an obvious morning i'm having--one of those scripted days. oh but seriously now, copeland. copeland. oooh. i don't even know what to say. i have been so absolutely dumbstruck and content since friday night. which is maybe awful but maybe wonderful. i won't let myself decide because i don't trust me with it.
their music has always just been this strange secret thing that has snuck past my defences and made me acknowledge things i'm hiding or trying to escape from. and my head loves it because it's such a one-sided conversation where my heart is not accountable to anyone because they're not really there. another awful admission of how my head gets me in trouble. i'm not living how i'm meant to.
and i wonder, have i ever really loved someone? i mean i know i love my family and friends a lot, but i can't help but feel like i've been giving them a lot of logical love. it's like--like living off your talents instead of your gifts. you can use the things you're good at to make a life and to make people perceive you as successful...i could use my talents to do an administrative job hands-down. but there's no passion there. on the other hand, you can choose to use the gifts God's given you (which often are complemented by your talents) and spend your life on something worthwhile, something that you are passionate about. my passion is Truth. and i'm probably going to say something about that in a minute. [feel free to stop reading..this is basically a novel..i suppose my blog is my new place to sort out my thoughts since life has switched from dorm days with jen analyzing ourselves to alone days at work analyzing myself]... umm but yeah, head love and heart love, talents and gifts...i apologize to anyone who is reading this because chances are good i've been giving you pathetic things i've pulled out of the dusty old forgotten box and that's no kind of good.
hmm so on the way home from copeland, karl asked me what my favorite season was. he said his favorite time is when it's changing from winter to spring. i realized as i drove to work this morning at 14km/hr. behind a street scraper that this (literally and metaphorically) is the time i am anticipating so hard when i let myself realize it. God i want to let my heart feel something and say something. last night i was thinking how interesting it'd be to take a vow of silence over Lent. i'm quite upset that at this point in time it's not feasible. i cannot wait to be done school. it seems to be the one thing in my way. hahah which is terrible to say, but honestly, it is, and it's the weapon i've chosen to amputate my heart and it's a heavy jacket i can't wait to take off.
finishing a degree...also the time to start letting yourself freak out a bit because you have no idea what to do next and it's that part of your life where you could completely forfeit it and send everything to hell or find out the right way to go and get on it. i don't think i've been freaking out over it 'cause i've got plenty of options and my passion for Truth and teaching and talking and junk is pretty flexible...i just haven't been satisfied because i had this nagging feeling that i was looking through a catalogue when i was supposed to be drawing something. BUT..i think a light (or just another bulb on a strand of christmas lights i'm following) came on this weekend at YQ.
there was a guy named Brett Ullman doing seminars and i went to a couple. the first was as if he'd taken everything crucial i've learned and been on fire about in all my years of college and in my own personal studies and condensed it into one amazingly effective and spectacular presentation on media/faith/culture. i was so stoked on it. and then i got to thinking. i would love love love doing stuff like that--seminars and conventions and presentations on being media-literate and culturally-aware. but then i got to thinking how it's kind of limited to stuff like YQ or bible colleges, and how people who really need to hear it and realize the impact this stuff is having on them and the potential it has to really screw up their lives, aren't hearing it (outside the 1 commercial they run on muchmusic occasionally about being media-literate)...and how cool would it be to join the masses of random characters who speak at junior high/high schools every year (motivational speakers, drug and alcohol-awareness, etc.) as a youth culture specialist who speaks on media and culture and all the stuff that our young people are buying into without knowing it? i don't know if i'm really saying what i mean here, but that's exciting because this is actually something i think i'm letting out of my heart on a whim...i would be so pumped to do that kind of thing! and like, doing similar stuff for parents and other adults who deal with teens...gah! i know for a fact people in that situation are totally hungry to know all this stuff i've learned and the things i study...i don't want to keep it to myself! i really honestly feel like this could be a huge open space just begging for adventure to be had in it...hmmmm.....
"it's a fight between my heart and mind .. no one really wins this time .. in the endless fight of grace and pride .. i don't want to win this time."
mahah...thank you again copeland for one more perfectly placed lyric i found in a pause :)
and thank you Brett Ullman for the lightswitch.
and thank you Kim for inspiring me to give an Oscar speech at the end of this blog.
and thank you all for graciously accepting my counterfeit love and not complaining about the dust i got all over it. i promise i'll give you something nicer soon.
<3
that's kind of interesting, hey: the place where your words are made is the place where your heart and your head meet up. i think this is important and i just realized it. that's really cool though, because that really fits with what i've been thinking about this morning (and what i need to purge out of my mind to make room for the entire book i need to read today)...
"out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks"
or does it??
i used to have this accidental dissociation between what i really felt/thought and what my facial expression said i was feeling/thinking. but now that i think about it, it was probably just that i was putting my thoughts or feelings too much in my head and i just looked like i was thinking too much when really maybe i was happy or angry or excited...i think i got over that, but now it's turned into this thing where what i say is overflowing out of my head more than my heart. in fact, yep, i definitely remember saying a couple weeks ago "i usually don't let something out of my mouth until it's been in my head for a day." isn't that horrible!!?! i'm trying to figure out why i don't let things out of my heart so easily. in fact, if i were to adapt this i suppose i would have to admit that "i usually don't let something out of my mouth until it's been in my heart for a year."
wow. whoa. wow. okay. so i just looked down at the glass case beside me and noticed the reflection of the window and outside in it, where it is snowing these wonderful, electric, fluffy flakes. and this dull, upside-down partial reflection of an image through a dirty window is the perfect illustration God is giving me right now of what my love is like. it's not even close to being outside in the snow with it hiding itself in your hair and brushing past your face. it's dust locked up in a box forgotten in an old house. (i had a dream about an old house full of dirt and cobwebs last night. i just remembered that. hmm.)
i had a moment in there where i stopped and just listened to the music playing and the one line sung in my pause was "lose your head just for your heart." what an obvious morning i'm having--one of those scripted days. oh but seriously now, copeland. copeland. oooh. i don't even know what to say. i have been so absolutely dumbstruck and content since friday night. which is maybe awful but maybe wonderful. i won't let myself decide because i don't trust me with it.
their music has always just been this strange secret thing that has snuck past my defences and made me acknowledge things i'm hiding or trying to escape from. and my head loves it because it's such a one-sided conversation where my heart is not accountable to anyone because they're not really there. another awful admission of how my head gets me in trouble. i'm not living how i'm meant to.
and i wonder, have i ever really loved someone? i mean i know i love my family and friends a lot, but i can't help but feel like i've been giving them a lot of logical love. it's like--like living off your talents instead of your gifts. you can use the things you're good at to make a life and to make people perceive you as successful...i could use my talents to do an administrative job hands-down. but there's no passion there. on the other hand, you can choose to use the gifts God's given you (which often are complemented by your talents) and spend your life on something worthwhile, something that you are passionate about. my passion is Truth. and i'm probably going to say something about that in a minute. [feel free to stop reading..this is basically a novel..i suppose my blog is my new place to sort out my thoughts since life has switched from dorm days with jen analyzing ourselves to alone days at work analyzing myself]... umm but yeah, head love and heart love, talents and gifts...i apologize to anyone who is reading this because chances are good i've been giving you pathetic things i've pulled out of the dusty old forgotten box and that's no kind of good.
hmm so on the way home from copeland, karl asked me what my favorite season was. he said his favorite time is when it's changing from winter to spring. i realized as i drove to work this morning at 14km/hr. behind a street scraper that this (literally and metaphorically) is the time i am anticipating so hard when i let myself realize it. God i want to let my heart feel something and say something. last night i was thinking how interesting it'd be to take a vow of silence over Lent. i'm quite upset that at this point in time it's not feasible. i cannot wait to be done school. it seems to be the one thing in my way. hahah which is terrible to say, but honestly, it is, and it's the weapon i've chosen to amputate my heart and it's a heavy jacket i can't wait to take off.
finishing a degree...also the time to start letting yourself freak out a bit because you have no idea what to do next and it's that part of your life where you could completely forfeit it and send everything to hell or find out the right way to go and get on it. i don't think i've been freaking out over it 'cause i've got plenty of options and my passion for Truth and teaching and talking and junk is pretty flexible...i just haven't been satisfied because i had this nagging feeling that i was looking through a catalogue when i was supposed to be drawing something. BUT..i think a light (or just another bulb on a strand of christmas lights i'm following) came on this weekend at YQ.
there was a guy named Brett Ullman doing seminars and i went to a couple. the first was as if he'd taken everything crucial i've learned and been on fire about in all my years of college and in my own personal studies and condensed it into one amazingly effective and spectacular presentation on media/faith/culture. i was so stoked on it. and then i got to thinking. i would love love love doing stuff like that--seminars and conventions and presentations on being media-literate and culturally-aware. but then i got to thinking how it's kind of limited to stuff like YQ or bible colleges, and how people who really need to hear it and realize the impact this stuff is having on them and the potential it has to really screw up their lives, aren't hearing it (outside the 1 commercial they run on muchmusic occasionally about being media-literate)...and how cool would it be to join the masses of random characters who speak at junior high/high schools every year (motivational speakers, drug and alcohol-awareness, etc.) as a youth culture specialist who speaks on media and culture and all the stuff that our young people are buying into without knowing it? i don't know if i'm really saying what i mean here, but that's exciting because this is actually something i think i'm letting out of my heart on a whim...i would be so pumped to do that kind of thing! and like, doing similar stuff for parents and other adults who deal with teens...gah! i know for a fact people in that situation are totally hungry to know all this stuff i've learned and the things i study...i don't want to keep it to myself! i really honestly feel like this could be a huge open space just begging for adventure to be had in it...hmmmm.....
"it's a fight between my heart and mind .. no one really wins this time .. in the endless fight of grace and pride .. i don't want to win this time."
mahah...thank you again copeland for one more perfectly placed lyric i found in a pause :)
and thank you Brett Ullman for the lightswitch.
and thank you Kim for inspiring me to give an Oscar speech at the end of this blog.
and thank you all for graciously accepting my counterfeit love and not complaining about the dust i got all over it. i promise i'll give you something nicer soon.
<3
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
is it any surprise...
i've basically banished myself off the face of the internet (except for myspace..quick-visit/low-commitment internet is still allowed) because i have so much homework to get done in the next few weeks...oooh i miss people and feelings that aren't dread or overwhelmedness or exhaustion. i mean, there's definitely inspiration in all of this but it is in my heart and the other feelings are sitting on my chest. it's hard to breathe when i'm awake.
yesterday morning i was going to read a textbook before i went out to my grad interview and independent study meeting. but textbooks and course notes are all i've been doing day and night for the past 2 weeks, so i decided instead to curl up in my favorite old blankie from my grandma's house when i was little and watch Little Women. i just love that story so much and a story is like nutrients to me in malnourished times. i admire a story with so many parts and characters who make you feel so agonized and so joyful at the same time. i'm finding lately that's how i feel all the time when i notice i still have feelings...this interesting agony fused with happiness. isn't that strange how you can feel so good about feeling so bad. i'm not sure it's normal. but it's nice. i guess it's maybe peace. or hope. it's something alright.
i love the main character in the story though. her name is jo. maybe i love her because i relate to her and understand her. she writes stories and she is ridiculous and restless and the thing she needs the most is the thing she tries the hardest to get away from. i know for a fact that is what i do. i'm becoming acutely aware of it. it makes no sense! how can a person be always avoiding or distancing themself from the thing they know they need and even probably want? most of my best friends are the kind of people who have this really logical series of steps where they 1. want something and 2. go get it. none of them understand me and they think i'm an idiot. i think i agree with them.
i started writing this story a week and a half ago that i was really in love with but i had to stop partway through because i didn't have time for it and had to read textbooks...and it's haunting me. and a friend who is dreaming up a really creative film just asked me if i would adapt one of poe's short stories into a screenplay...but i can't yet..and it's really painful. everything i am doing right now is waiting. i'm really good at waiting. but when everything you do is waiting, it feels like wearing shoes that don't fit. i know i've used that analogy before and how uncreative of me, but it's really just the thing it feels like.
yesterday i had my grad interview scheduled and i spent the whole day and drive trying to think of answers to questions they would ask me and the only thing i could think of that i would really mean if i said it was "fuck!" and that's crude but i'm not sorry, because it's the only answer to any question i ask myself these days that i can come up with! there's something awfully wrong about that! my interview got cancelled anyways, so just as well i'm sure. maybe i will think of better answers in the next couple weeks. or maybe by then my answer will just be falling apart and crying. hard to say.
there's one wonderful thing.
i'm absolutely aching for it, and it's been the longest wait yet. 5 years. and i finally get to let copeland break my heart in person.
yesterday morning i was going to read a textbook before i went out to my grad interview and independent study meeting. but textbooks and course notes are all i've been doing day and night for the past 2 weeks, so i decided instead to curl up in my favorite old blankie from my grandma's house when i was little and watch Little Women. i just love that story so much and a story is like nutrients to me in malnourished times. i admire a story with so many parts and characters who make you feel so agonized and so joyful at the same time. i'm finding lately that's how i feel all the time when i notice i still have feelings...this interesting agony fused with happiness. isn't that strange how you can feel so good about feeling so bad. i'm not sure it's normal. but it's nice. i guess it's maybe peace. or hope. it's something alright.
i love the main character in the story though. her name is jo. maybe i love her because i relate to her and understand her. she writes stories and she is ridiculous and restless and the thing she needs the most is the thing she tries the hardest to get away from. i know for a fact that is what i do. i'm becoming acutely aware of it. it makes no sense! how can a person be always avoiding or distancing themself from the thing they know they need and even probably want? most of my best friends are the kind of people who have this really logical series of steps where they 1. want something and 2. go get it. none of them understand me and they think i'm an idiot. i think i agree with them.
i started writing this story a week and a half ago that i was really in love with but i had to stop partway through because i didn't have time for it and had to read textbooks...and it's haunting me. and a friend who is dreaming up a really creative film just asked me if i would adapt one of poe's short stories into a screenplay...but i can't yet..and it's really painful. everything i am doing right now is waiting. i'm really good at waiting. but when everything you do is waiting, it feels like wearing shoes that don't fit. i know i've used that analogy before and how uncreative of me, but it's really just the thing it feels like.
yesterday i had my grad interview scheduled and i spent the whole day and drive trying to think of answers to questions they would ask me and the only thing i could think of that i would really mean if i said it was "fuck!" and that's crude but i'm not sorry, because it's the only answer to any question i ask myself these days that i can come up with! there's something awfully wrong about that! my interview got cancelled anyways, so just as well i'm sure. maybe i will think of better answers in the next couple weeks. or maybe by then my answer will just be falling apart and crying. hard to say.
there's one wonderful thing.
i'm absolutely aching for it, and it's been the longest wait yet. 5 years. and i finally get to let copeland break my heart in person.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
the morning quiet
scene:
at work, alone, dear solace--the chill stuff on quiet, the heater squeaking in the background, keeping me cozy while i watch the slow-mo snow out the front window
things i'm thinking about:
. i just aligned the interac machine, the receipt printer, and the stapler on the counter..which suddenly, vividly, reminded me of a scene from a movie i watched the other day ... i was going to tell michelle what movie i had watched but i couldn't remember what it was called so i stopped before i started ... then 2 minutes later after i explained pan's labyrinth to her, she related it somehow to another movie, which was coincidentally the movie i was talking about in the first place ... and out of all the movies on the planet, there we had it. i like when things happen like that.
. i just found my movie stub in my back pocket. i admire myself for wearing the same pants way more times in a week than a person probably should.
. this song is so pretty it could stop time
. (i think i keep secrets from myself..is that possible? i can't tell)
. i bet when i was a fetus, i loved being in the womb. that might seem gross, but hear me out. things i love: the quiet, being warm, semi-small spaces, muted noises, and knowing something is just out of my reach but not quite knowing what it is. i think i'm a tiny bit claustrophobic, but for the most part i like having things closed in around me..i hate big empty spaces (unless they're outside and i'm outside in them, but even then i'd prefer there be trees around or over me)..like the store for instance, it is kind of big and open, and that's pretty vapid. but there's a big window in the front that i can look out and this morning there is slow snow occupying the air, so that feels quite nice, and there's pretty music inside, so that fills in the empty spaces a little. i love my bedroom too, i'm pretty serious about making it a cozy quiet place with lots to look at and get lost in. i was in chad's room the other night and it was depressing--bare walls and empty air and fluorescent lights...gah! what a nightmare! that would scare me more sleeping in than a room full of threatening shadows and secrets.
. if i were to get a tattoo, i would want it to be in the script from the opening credits of alice in wonderland. but i'm not going to get one. that's just silly.
. i just watched alice in wonderland for the first time ever the other night . i think i liked it. i liked the cheshire cat. but i did NOT like any of the birds. just so you know. very important stuff.
. my favorite place might just be the place where you've laughed so hard that you can't breathe
. i wonder if people who know me think i'm a person who knows what she's doing in any given situation.. i wish i could go outside myself and see me and make assumptions about myself, and then go back into me and laugh with myself about them because i would know the truth.
. time to read books
at work, alone, dear solace--the chill stuff on quiet, the heater squeaking in the background, keeping me cozy while i watch the slow-mo snow out the front window
things i'm thinking about:
. i just aligned the interac machine, the receipt printer, and the stapler on the counter..which suddenly, vividly, reminded me of a scene from a movie i watched the other day ... i was going to tell michelle what movie i had watched but i couldn't remember what it was called so i stopped before i started ... then 2 minutes later after i explained pan's labyrinth to her, she related it somehow to another movie, which was coincidentally the movie i was talking about in the first place ... and out of all the movies on the planet, there we had it. i like when things happen like that.
. i just found my movie stub in my back pocket. i admire myself for wearing the same pants way more times in a week than a person probably should.
. this song is so pretty it could stop time
. (i think i keep secrets from myself..is that possible? i can't tell)
. i bet when i was a fetus, i loved being in the womb. that might seem gross, but hear me out. things i love: the quiet, being warm, semi-small spaces, muted noises, and knowing something is just out of my reach but not quite knowing what it is. i think i'm a tiny bit claustrophobic, but for the most part i like having things closed in around me..i hate big empty spaces (unless they're outside and i'm outside in them, but even then i'd prefer there be trees around or over me)..like the store for instance, it is kind of big and open, and that's pretty vapid. but there's a big window in the front that i can look out and this morning there is slow snow occupying the air, so that feels quite nice, and there's pretty music inside, so that fills in the empty spaces a little. i love my bedroom too, i'm pretty serious about making it a cozy quiet place with lots to look at and get lost in. i was in chad's room the other night and it was depressing--bare walls and empty air and fluorescent lights...gah! what a nightmare! that would scare me more sleeping in than a room full of threatening shadows and secrets.
. if i were to get a tattoo, i would want it to be in the script from the opening credits of alice in wonderland. but i'm not going to get one. that's just silly.
. i just watched alice in wonderland for the first time ever the other night . i think i liked it. i liked the cheshire cat. but i did NOT like any of the birds. just so you know. very important stuff.
. my favorite place might just be the place where you've laughed so hard that you can't breathe
. i wonder if people who know me think i'm a person who knows what she's doing in any given situation.. i wish i could go outside myself and see me and make assumptions about myself, and then go back into me and laugh with myself about them because i would know the truth.
. time to read books
Saturday, January 27, 2007
(what has love become?) it's not like we used to hear in those old songs. and it's not like yours..
tonight i watched Les Miserables.
if you want to see something that will make you think about grace and love and mercy, that's a good place to begin. it's a very good story. do you remember a time when stories were built by characters who reflected God's mode of love?
me neither.
i wonder, just what love is. lately i've been feeling like mine is broken. my love i mean.
i've also been reading a book, and a quote in the beginning of this book says this:
Man's love is of man's life a thing apart
'Tis a woman's whole existence.
(-Byron)
oh really? then i am reallllly broken. absolutely defective in fact, i suppose!
but just hold on because honestly, what is love? who ever really told me, or you, what love is? i bet our parents tried and i bet God tried and i bet movies won. don't they always win? because the definition we hear the most repeated is the definition we expect a thing to embody. i think i knew better once...i think i knew God's love better once...but then i watched too many movies.
but maybe love ... well i don't feel qualified to define it or discount the definitions that i don't think define it. but here is the thing. in that movie there were a lot of different loves. but the only one that remained steady and true under all the tumultuous, selfish, seeking versions, was grace.
grace is a love that nobody tells us stories of anymore. we don't even tell ourselves stories of grace, do we? do we daydream of giving gracious love? or do we daydream of love that is received..love that comes to us..love we can capture and keep. even if we suppose the one we dream of receiving this love from is one whom we love...what is that? what is the love we think we have for them? is it more often than not greed masquarading as love?
the villain of Les Miserables is a police inspector whose life ambition, whose motivation, whose love becomes the hunt for jean val jean--the former convict who has turned his life around as a result of an act of grace and devoted it to multiplying that grace. it is absolutely tragic because this "villain" wastes his entire existence on the lusty pursuit of his heart's tainted desire.
is our love tainted? is that why we can't love very well? is that why we long for love that never seems to find us...because it is too busy longing for its love to come as well? is that why we doubt what we feel pieces of and label "love"--afraid to give it because it might not be returned?
has greed become the new definition of love? could you ask yourself why you love someone? could i ask myself that? if i love because i lack, because i want, because my own love is tainted and i need someone else's virtue to compensate for my failing...what has love become?
God's love is not greedy..he does not reach out to capture us up in his fists. love cannot clutch the loved. it cannot own. an open hand, extended to the loved with a gift of grace is maybe real. and to be loved in return might be once the gift is extracted and the open hand lies empty..the beloved takes the hand. did we forget that part? oh...what are we doing..
if you want to see something that will make you think about grace and love and mercy, that's a good place to begin. it's a very good story. do you remember a time when stories were built by characters who reflected God's mode of love?
me neither.
i wonder, just what love is. lately i've been feeling like mine is broken. my love i mean.
i've also been reading a book, and a quote in the beginning of this book says this:
Man's love is of man's life a thing apart
'Tis a woman's whole existence.
(-Byron)
oh really? then i am reallllly broken. absolutely defective in fact, i suppose!
but just hold on because honestly, what is love? who ever really told me, or you, what love is? i bet our parents tried and i bet God tried and i bet movies won. don't they always win? because the definition we hear the most repeated is the definition we expect a thing to embody. i think i knew better once...i think i knew God's love better once...but then i watched too many movies.
but maybe love ... well i don't feel qualified to define it or discount the definitions that i don't think define it. but here is the thing. in that movie there were a lot of different loves. but the only one that remained steady and true under all the tumultuous, selfish, seeking versions, was grace.
grace is a love that nobody tells us stories of anymore. we don't even tell ourselves stories of grace, do we? do we daydream of giving gracious love? or do we daydream of love that is received..love that comes to us..love we can capture and keep. even if we suppose the one we dream of receiving this love from is one whom we love...what is that? what is the love we think we have for them? is it more often than not greed masquarading as love?
the villain of Les Miserables is a police inspector whose life ambition, whose motivation, whose love becomes the hunt for jean val jean--the former convict who has turned his life around as a result of an act of grace and devoted it to multiplying that grace. it is absolutely tragic because this "villain" wastes his entire existence on the lusty pursuit of his heart's tainted desire.
is our love tainted? is that why we can't love very well? is that why we long for love that never seems to find us...because it is too busy longing for its love to come as well? is that why we doubt what we feel pieces of and label "love"--afraid to give it because it might not be returned?
has greed become the new definition of love? could you ask yourself why you love someone? could i ask myself that? if i love because i lack, because i want, because my own love is tainted and i need someone else's virtue to compensate for my failing...what has love become?
God's love is not greedy..he does not reach out to capture us up in his fists. love cannot clutch the loved. it cannot own. an open hand, extended to the loved with a gift of grace is maybe real. and to be loved in return might be once the gift is extracted and the open hand lies empty..the beloved takes the hand. did we forget that part? oh...what are we doing..
Sunday, January 14, 2007
li - li - liar
i never say anything i don't mean.
i might if i could...but i can't. but even if i could i probably wouldn't do it on purpose, maybe just sometimes by accident when someone caught me off-guard and i needed a quick lie. but i can't even do that--if i get caught off guard and need to give an answer, i always say some part of the truth. mahah sometimes though the truth is a secret, so i say it in words that keep the secret. there are so many interesting ways to say things. i wonder how many ways people can hear the truth through?
i forgot why i was writing this.
tonight, i really feel like going to a show. but not a Now show...a Back in the Day show...like where there could be 4 different bands playing 4 different genres that everyone in the crowd was too new and just plain excited that there was a show to even be able to label. where everyone didn't have to sound the same and look the same and where creative (even poppy) melodies were allowed among the breakdowns and where there were more people in the crowd and less people in the "VIP section" on the sidestage. where there wasn't a stage. where you could have a conversation with someone in a band at their merch table because they weren't hiding out from the groupies and making their merch friend fend off the life-sucking masses...
and i'm not gonna lie...i really like Marianas Trench...i've only heard their one song that gets played from time to time on MuchMusic. can't get enough of it. upbeat melodies just make me smile. they feel like summertime.
i just watched a moneen video...and i miss them! sooo good live. it's been a long time since i saw them last...it would sure be swell to catch them again.
i think this is the most i've talked about music in 2 years.
i also would like to know what i'm supposed to do after grad. i've got a few months though..so i guess i'll find out when the time is right. oh silly life. today Marv e-mailed me some instructions for the independent study some of us are participating in this semester...he wanted to know how my internship went and i always get kind of vague and drift off when people inquire about my "logical path to youth pastordom"...i still really don't feel built to do the logical thing...to be a typical youth pastor at a squeaky suburban church.... i really love my church and the people there but its demographic and system is much different than ... me and mine?
i'm not so much the preppy, cute young mom with toddlers and a love for contemporary music and symmetrical surroundings and charts and graphs. i always kind of smile to myself during the music section of the service...i think they use the same hyper drum beat for every song...and everyone is suuper smiley and stoked on life, and it feels like the carebears are going to burst out of the worship leaders' chests or something...which i'm sure really gets a lot of people pumped and helps them worship God. it kind of assaults my senses though. i'm not a particularly exhuberant person, so mirroring that kind of stuff makes me feel really fake. OH i just put 2 and 2 together there and realized why i have a hard time participating in those songs...because i can't lie! aaaahhh that makes so much more sense. here i was dreading that i'm dead inside. hahaha. i would someday like to hear a haunting worship song in a minor key though. that would be very beautiful i bet. or just a purely instrumental one. or to see a sanctuary that doesn't have microsoft-colored carpet and trim. or to visit a youth centre that is a-little-less-random-smattering-of-donated-items-and-pool-tables-with-a-"freeway"-themed-environment, and-a-little-more-coffeehouse/show venue/welcoming-to-kids-who-don't-necessarily-have-a-raging-addiction-to-floor-hockey-and-loudass-TFK-tunes. or to offer a small group based on media study, where it wouldn't be offending someone's anal rules to watch a popular movie and discuss it.
but yes it's kind of crazy when everyone is cheering you on to glide into the niche in life that they've been expecting you to, the one that "makes sense." i mean, my degree is super flexible so that's rad, it's not like i only have one option of what to use my life for. but everyone just seems to love putting the limits of logic on life. i still have no idea where i'm supposed to go. or just exactly what it is i'm meant to do with 5 years of youth culture/adolescent development/psychology/theology/history under my belt. but i know this: i love Truth. i love challenging people. i love creating and building things. i love helping people see things in ways they haven't thought to look at them. i'm not sure what that adds up to, but i think it's something interesting. my pastor/temporary-boss and i talked a lot last semester about calling. which is kind of a can of worms in my case i guess. but hey, i'm young and imaginitive, so it'll work out. no sweat.
"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!"
--Luke 1:45
(...even if she hasn't quite deciphered what he's said yet! mahah)
i might if i could...but i can't. but even if i could i probably wouldn't do it on purpose, maybe just sometimes by accident when someone caught me off-guard and i needed a quick lie. but i can't even do that--if i get caught off guard and need to give an answer, i always say some part of the truth. mahah sometimes though the truth is a secret, so i say it in words that keep the secret. there are so many interesting ways to say things. i wonder how many ways people can hear the truth through?
i forgot why i was writing this.
tonight, i really feel like going to a show. but not a Now show...a Back in the Day show...like where there could be 4 different bands playing 4 different genres that everyone in the crowd was too new and just plain excited that there was a show to even be able to label. where everyone didn't have to sound the same and look the same and where creative (even poppy) melodies were allowed among the breakdowns and where there were more people in the crowd and less people in the "VIP section" on the sidestage. where there wasn't a stage. where you could have a conversation with someone in a band at their merch table because they weren't hiding out from the groupies and making their merch friend fend off the life-sucking masses...
and i'm not gonna lie...i really like Marianas Trench...i've only heard their one song that gets played from time to time on MuchMusic. can't get enough of it. upbeat melodies just make me smile. they feel like summertime.
i just watched a moneen video...and i miss them! sooo good live. it's been a long time since i saw them last...it would sure be swell to catch them again.
i think this is the most i've talked about music in 2 years.
i also would like to know what i'm supposed to do after grad. i've got a few months though..so i guess i'll find out when the time is right. oh silly life. today Marv e-mailed me some instructions for the independent study some of us are participating in this semester...he wanted to know how my internship went and i always get kind of vague and drift off when people inquire about my "logical path to youth pastordom"...i still really don't feel built to do the logical thing...to be a typical youth pastor at a squeaky suburban church.... i really love my church and the people there but its demographic and system is much different than ... me and mine?
i'm not so much the preppy, cute young mom with toddlers and a love for contemporary music and symmetrical surroundings and charts and graphs. i always kind of smile to myself during the music section of the service...i think they use the same hyper drum beat for every song...and everyone is suuper smiley and stoked on life, and it feels like the carebears are going to burst out of the worship leaders' chests or something...which i'm sure really gets a lot of people pumped and helps them worship God. it kind of assaults my senses though. i'm not a particularly exhuberant person, so mirroring that kind of stuff makes me feel really fake. OH i just put 2 and 2 together there and realized why i have a hard time participating in those songs...because i can't lie! aaaahhh that makes so much more sense. here i was dreading that i'm dead inside. hahaha. i would someday like to hear a haunting worship song in a minor key though. that would be very beautiful i bet. or just a purely instrumental one. or to see a sanctuary that doesn't have microsoft-colored carpet and trim. or to visit a youth centre that is a-little-less-random-smattering-of-donated-items-and-pool-tables-with-a-"freeway"-themed-environment, and-a-little-more-coffeehouse/show venue/welcoming-to-kids-who-don't-necessarily-have-a-raging-addiction-to-floor-hockey-and-loudass-TFK-tunes. or to offer a small group based on media study, where it wouldn't be offending someone's anal rules to watch a popular movie and discuss it.
but yes it's kind of crazy when everyone is cheering you on to glide into the niche in life that they've been expecting you to, the one that "makes sense." i mean, my degree is super flexible so that's rad, it's not like i only have one option of what to use my life for. but everyone just seems to love putting the limits of logic on life. i still have no idea where i'm supposed to go. or just exactly what it is i'm meant to do with 5 years of youth culture/adolescent development/psychology/theology/history under my belt. but i know this: i love Truth. i love challenging people. i love creating and building things. i love helping people see things in ways they haven't thought to look at them. i'm not sure what that adds up to, but i think it's something interesting. my pastor/temporary-boss and i talked a lot last semester about calling. which is kind of a can of worms in my case i guess. but hey, i'm young and imaginitive, so it'll work out. no sweat.
"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!"
--Luke 1:45
(...even if she hasn't quite deciphered what he's said yet! mahah)
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Building a Mystery
So since I'm not really allowed to talk to anyone, here I am again...
(I'm not copping out on in-person communication...this is one of those topics that I actually have talked to locals and bestfriendsonthephone about...and have been met with vacant expressions or "Shaina, you think too much"s...sooo the internet = my last resort!)
D'you ever realize at the end of a day that you seem to've had a Theme Day?
I so had a Theme Day today!
One of the first things I did this morning was write a beefy check, which really should have made me wince because really I have no money and really have to pay the school even more money to graduate...but I really didn't care! No matter how much I try to make myself get concerned about money, I have never been able to work up a worry about it.
I carried on to church where the sermon was about ... money! But not a "the church needs a new carpet" sermon...it was a real good one about not being a slave to money, and about freedom. I really respected my pastor for putting the emphasis in the right place. He even busted out my very favorite Bible verse, and one of my Top 3 Verses to Build a Life On: Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven...For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Matthew 6:19-21)
[Extra Interjected Story: Once, at the end of a Briercrest year, around 3am... Elsa and I decided to "paint the town" so to speak. With a carton of sidewalk chalk and eyes full of stars and hearts bursting with secret excitement, we made our way all over campus, leaving kindergarten graffiti in our wake... I never felt so accomplished as a human being as when I scrawled that verse across the curving A-building steps. Oh the satisfying sensation of assaulting public property with a message no one can complain about!]
Now you might think the theme of the day was "money" but you'd be wrong. Because I don't even really know what the theme of the day was. But it was something, I'll tell ya that much.
Next thing that happened was that at church and after church (practically everyone from my church goes to DQ for Sunday lunch...kind of an unofficial tradition), was that every other person I saw said, "Oh you're still here! Are you going back to school? Are you staying here??" The thing that happens when you're one of those "responsible leader-types" who has gone to college and functioned in an official position is that people really really want to be able to label you. Well, that happens with everyone. But it becomes much more acceptable to overtly discuss with a person who has built up a "title" to apply to themself. I want to disintigrate when people ask me things like "What are you going to be?" or "What degree will you have?" because that's not who I am! Ask me what I want to do in life, and you'll get a very different answer that might even dare you to imagine or feel something! Aha, but not many folks want to know those things...they're dangerous...maha...
So this all got me antsy and edgy because I have issues with being stationary. It's just not in my blood. Not that I need to be a chronic drifter...but I'm just not built to settle in too deep. I can settle into people quite nicely (if they're clever and determined enough to trick me into it), but I can't seem to settle into circumstances long-term. I think that's going to be conducive to my role in this life, but I don't know how yet. I'm good at waiting though. My friend Jess--we used to stay up ridiculously late at school watching movies with beautiful art direction and then have long talks or read poetry and I miss that--she reminded me of one of my old favorites the other day, Mister Robert Service. She sent me a piece of a poem that perhaps perfectly matches part of me...
[ http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Bluffs/8336/robertservice/men.html ]
I told Kim about it at lunch and she laughed at me for loving it and for getting angry over it all at the same time. (Personally, I think love and anger are very necessary for each other). I love it because a) I just love how Service writes 'em and b) it rings true in that people who have no sense of responsibility or dedication will ultimately fail at the challenge of life and c) the slow, steady image reminds me of my dad who is my ultimate role model....BUT it makes me angry because it makes it seem that those who wander and plough through life as adventurers and discoverers and pioneers are setting themselves up for disaster. That they will never know life
or love
or effectiveness
because they didn't follow the pattern cut out by old hands and laid before them. Nuts to that! I'm rubbing the pattern out of my eyes, dashing it to the floor, and I just dare anyone to tell me that there is no one else out there who will do the same
or will go along with me
or will know my message when I'm dead and gone.
I only felt more affirmed tonight when I saw this annoying commercial that plagues my existance from time to time. I think it's for workopolis.com and it has a voiceover that says "You want..." and fills that in with a dozen stupid things emphasizing career, economic, and social success. GAH! I think every time I see it my mind does a subconscious auto-response that I catch sometimes saying "I don't want..." (fill in the blank with: "a prestigious career, a 4-bedroom house, 2 SUVs, a hot tub, 2 blonde kids, vacations in Mexico, etc.") Hahah I really am going to fail at the life I've been set up for. And I couldn't be more excited!
I was watching a show, one of those crime dramas, and it was about this really smart kid who went to private school and was all set to breeze into an ivy-league school and become some doctor or lawyer or something (heavy emphasis on these boys' fathers who are gunner businessmen/dads with big dreams and heavy expectations). But as it turned out, the kid had a couple run-ins with cut and bruised looking chaps in his class who lured him into a pseudo-fight-club where they escaped the numbness of their copy and paste lives. The turning point for the kid was this really well written scene (accompanied by a fantastic Death Cab song that got me extra-energized when coupled with the speech this fight club founder was laying on the zombified guy--don't you love when something good is built on top of the perfect song??) umm...oh yeah the scene where this really savvy and passionate guy is riling the other guy up by trying to snap him out of his mould, by opening his eyes to the fact that he's not living his own life or doing what he's meant to do--he's just conforming to the pattern that's been laid out for him to put on, like a chalk outline.
And what happened in the end of a complex criminal mystery situation as it were, was that one of these kids' dads (in an attempt to cover up the fact that his son accidentally killed a guy, so that he would be sure to get into schools and be the success his dad was willing him to become)..the kid's dad brutally murdered this newly involved kid because he was going to man-up and do the right thing by telling the police what had happened. This guy killed a kid, not for any legitimate reason that a person's life should be taken. For the lust of success and prestige and money.
This made me think of investments. Which I've been thinking about a lot lately. Which also makes me think about resources and commodities. WHAT IS IT THAT IS VALUED? What do I save up and spend and invest? Hah, I can guarantee you at this point in life that it isn't money! And I don't think I ever want it to be money. "Spend time, not money" is what I always say to myself. Time. Love. Passion. Truth. These are good investments. Abundant resources. Precious commodities. Money is paper and scraps of metal. Status is a label they won't carve in your epitaph. And accomplishments can't be hitched to your hearse.
They're building bodies to fill buildings...tall glass cases, full of numbers and papers and spent time. Maybe I'll carve a cathedral?
(I'm not copping out on in-person communication...this is one of those topics that I actually have talked to locals and bestfriendsonthephone about...and have been met with vacant expressions or "Shaina, you think too much"s...sooo the internet = my last resort!)
D'you ever realize at the end of a day that you seem to've had a Theme Day?
I so had a Theme Day today!
One of the first things I did this morning was write a beefy check, which really should have made me wince because really I have no money and really have to pay the school even more money to graduate...but I really didn't care! No matter how much I try to make myself get concerned about money, I have never been able to work up a worry about it.
I carried on to church where the sermon was about ... money! But not a "the church needs a new carpet" sermon...it was a real good one about not being a slave to money, and about freedom. I really respected my pastor for putting the emphasis in the right place. He even busted out my very favorite Bible verse, and one of my Top 3 Verses to Build a Life On: Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven...For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Matthew 6:19-21)
[Extra Interjected Story: Once, at the end of a Briercrest year, around 3am... Elsa and I decided to "paint the town" so to speak. With a carton of sidewalk chalk and eyes full of stars and hearts bursting with secret excitement, we made our way all over campus, leaving kindergarten graffiti in our wake... I never felt so accomplished as a human being as when I scrawled that verse across the curving A-building steps. Oh the satisfying sensation of assaulting public property with a message no one can complain about!]
Now you might think the theme of the day was "money" but you'd be wrong. Because I don't even really know what the theme of the day was. But it was something, I'll tell ya that much.
Next thing that happened was that at church and after church (practically everyone from my church goes to DQ for Sunday lunch...kind of an unofficial tradition), was that every other person I saw said, "Oh you're still here! Are you going back to school? Are you staying here??" The thing that happens when you're one of those "responsible leader-types" who has gone to college and functioned in an official position is that people really really want to be able to label you. Well, that happens with everyone. But it becomes much more acceptable to overtly discuss with a person who has built up a "title" to apply to themself. I want to disintigrate when people ask me things like "What are you going to be?" or "What degree will you have?" because that's not who I am! Ask me what I want to do in life, and you'll get a very different answer that might even dare you to imagine or feel something! Aha, but not many folks want to know those things...they're dangerous...maha...
So this all got me antsy and edgy because I have issues with being stationary. It's just not in my blood. Not that I need to be a chronic drifter...but I'm just not built to settle in too deep. I can settle into people quite nicely (if they're clever and determined enough to trick me into it), but I can't seem to settle into circumstances long-term. I think that's going to be conducive to my role in this life, but I don't know how yet. I'm good at waiting though. My friend Jess--we used to stay up ridiculously late at school watching movies with beautiful art direction and then have long talks or read poetry and I miss that--she reminded me of one of my old favorites the other day, Mister Robert Service. She sent me a piece of a poem that perhaps perfectly matches part of me...
[ http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Bluffs/8336/robertservice/men.html ]
I told Kim about it at lunch and she laughed at me for loving it and for getting angry over it all at the same time. (Personally, I think love and anger are very necessary for each other). I love it because a) I just love how Service writes 'em and b) it rings true in that people who have no sense of responsibility or dedication will ultimately fail at the challenge of life and c) the slow, steady image reminds me of my dad who is my ultimate role model....BUT it makes me angry because it makes it seem that those who wander and plough through life as adventurers and discoverers and pioneers are setting themselves up for disaster. That they will never know life
or love
or effectiveness
because they didn't follow the pattern cut out by old hands and laid before them. Nuts to that! I'm rubbing the pattern out of my eyes, dashing it to the floor, and I just dare anyone to tell me that there is no one else out there who will do the same
or will go along with me
or will know my message when I'm dead and gone.
I only felt more affirmed tonight when I saw this annoying commercial that plagues my existance from time to time. I think it's for workopolis.com and it has a voiceover that says "You want..." and fills that in with a dozen stupid things emphasizing career, economic, and social success. GAH! I think every time I see it my mind does a subconscious auto-response that I catch sometimes saying "I don't want..." (fill in the blank with: "a prestigious career, a 4-bedroom house, 2 SUVs, a hot tub, 2 blonde kids, vacations in Mexico, etc.") Hahah I really am going to fail at the life I've been set up for. And I couldn't be more excited!
I was watching a show, one of those crime dramas, and it was about this really smart kid who went to private school and was all set to breeze into an ivy-league school and become some doctor or lawyer or something (heavy emphasis on these boys' fathers who are gunner businessmen/dads with big dreams and heavy expectations). But as it turned out, the kid had a couple run-ins with cut and bruised looking chaps in his class who lured him into a pseudo-fight-club where they escaped the numbness of their copy and paste lives. The turning point for the kid was this really well written scene (accompanied by a fantastic Death Cab song that got me extra-energized when coupled with the speech this fight club founder was laying on the zombified guy--don't you love when something good is built on top of the perfect song??) umm...oh yeah the scene where this really savvy and passionate guy is riling the other guy up by trying to snap him out of his mould, by opening his eyes to the fact that he's not living his own life or doing what he's meant to do--he's just conforming to the pattern that's been laid out for him to put on, like a chalk outline.
And what happened in the end of a complex criminal mystery situation as it were, was that one of these kids' dads (in an attempt to cover up the fact that his son accidentally killed a guy, so that he would be sure to get into schools and be the success his dad was willing him to become)..the kid's dad brutally murdered this newly involved kid because he was going to man-up and do the right thing by telling the police what had happened. This guy killed a kid, not for any legitimate reason that a person's life should be taken. For the lust of success and prestige and money.
This made me think of investments. Which I've been thinking about a lot lately. Which also makes me think about resources and commodities. WHAT IS IT THAT IS VALUED? What do I save up and spend and invest? Hah, I can guarantee you at this point in life that it isn't money! And I don't think I ever want it to be money. "Spend time, not money" is what I always say to myself. Time. Love. Passion. Truth. These are good investments. Abundant resources. Precious commodities. Money is paper and scraps of metal. Status is a label they won't carve in your epitaph. And accomplishments can't be hitched to your hearse.
They're building bodies to fill buildings...tall glass cases, full of numbers and papers and spent time. Maybe I'll carve a cathedral?
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