(I'm not copping out on in-person communication...this is one of those topics that I actually have talked to locals and bestfriendsonthephone about...and have been met with vacant expressions or "Shaina, you think too much"s...sooo the internet = my last resort!)
D'you ever realize at the end of a day that you seem to've had a Theme Day?
I so had a Theme Day today!
One of the first things I did this morning was write a beefy check, which really should have made me wince because really I have no money and really have to pay the school even more money to graduate...but I really didn't care! No matter how much I try to make myself get concerned about money, I have never been able to work up a worry about it.
I carried on to church where the sermon was about ... money! But not a "the church needs a new carpet" sermon...it was a real good one about not being a slave to money, and about freedom. I really respected my pastor for putting the emphasis in the right place. He even busted out my very favorite Bible verse, and one of my Top 3 Verses to Build a Life On: Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven...For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Matthew 6:19-21)
[Extra Interjected Story: Once, at the end of a Briercrest year, around 3am... Elsa and I decided to "paint the town" so to speak. With a carton of sidewalk chalk and eyes full of stars and hearts bursting with secret excitement, we made our way all over campus, leaving kindergarten graffiti in our wake... I never felt so accomplished as a human being as when I scrawled that verse across the curving A-building steps. Oh the satisfying sensation of assaulting public property with a message no one can complain about!]
Now you might think the theme of the day was "money" but you'd be wrong. Because I don't even really know what the theme of the day was. But it was something, I'll tell ya that much.
Next thing that happened was that at church and after church (practically everyone from my church goes to DQ for Sunday lunch...kind of an unofficial tradition), was that every other person I saw said, "Oh you're still here! Are you going back to school? Are you staying here??" The thing that happens when you're one of those "responsible leader-types" who has gone to college and functioned in an official position is that people really really want to be able to label you. Well, that happens with everyone. But it becomes much more acceptable to overtly discuss with a person who has built up a "title" to apply to themself. I want to disintigrate when people ask me things like "What are you going to be?" or "What degree will you have?" because that's not who I am! Ask me what I want to do in life, and you'll get a very different answer that might even dare you to imagine or feel something! Aha, but not many folks want to know those things...they're dangerous...maha...
So this all got me antsy and edgy because I have issues with being stationary. It's just not in my blood. Not that I need to be a chronic drifter...but I'm just not built to settle in too deep. I can settle into people quite nicely (if they're clever and determined enough to trick me into it), but I can't seem to settle into circumstances long-term. I think that's going to be conducive to my role in this life, but I don't know how yet. I'm good at waiting though. My friend Jess--we used to stay up ridiculously late at school watching movies with beautiful art direction and then have long talks or read poetry and I miss that--she reminded me of one of my old favorites the other day, Mister Robert Service. She sent me a piece of a poem that perhaps perfectly matches part of me...
[ http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Bluffs/8336/robertservice/men.html ]
I told Kim about it at lunch and she laughed at me for loving it and for getting angry over it all at the same time. (Personally, I think love and anger are very necessary for each other). I love it because a) I just love how Service writes 'em and b) it rings true in that people who have no sense of responsibility or dedication will ultimately fail at the challenge of life and c) the slow, steady image reminds me of my dad who is my ultimate role model....BUT it makes me angry because it makes it seem that those who wander and plough through life as adventurers and discoverers and pioneers are setting themselves up for disaster. That they will never know life
or love
or effectiveness
because they didn't follow the pattern cut out by old hands and laid before them. Nuts to that! I'm rubbing the pattern out of my eyes, dashing it to the floor, and I just dare anyone to tell me that there is no one else out there who will do the same
or will go along with me
or will know my message when I'm dead and gone.
I only felt more affirmed tonight when I saw this annoying commercial that plagues my existance from time to time. I think it's for workopolis.com and it has a voiceover that says "You want..." and fills that in with a dozen stupid things emphasizing career, economic, and social success. GAH! I think every time I see it my mind does a subconscious auto-response that I catch sometimes saying "I don't want..." (fill in the blank with: "a prestigious career, a 4-bedroom house, 2 SUVs, a hot tub, 2 blonde kids, vacations in Mexico, etc.") Hahah I really am going to fail at the life I've been set up for. And I couldn't be more excited!
I was watching a show, one of those crime dramas, and it was about this really smart kid who went to private school and was all set to breeze into an ivy-league school and become some doctor or lawyer or something (heavy emphasis on these boys' fathers who are gunner businessmen/dads with big dreams and heavy expectations). But as it turned out, the kid had a couple run-ins with cut and bruised looking chaps in his class who lured him into a pseudo-fight-club where they escaped the numbness of their copy and paste lives. The turning point for the kid was this really well written scene (accompanied by a fantastic Death Cab song that got me extra-energized when coupled with the speech this fight club founder was laying on the zombified guy--don't you love when something good is built on top of the perfect song??) umm...oh yeah the scene where this really savvy and passionate guy is riling the other guy up by trying to snap him out of his mould, by opening his eyes to the fact that he's not living his own life or doing what he's meant to do--he's just conforming to the pattern that's been laid out for him to put on, like a chalk outline.
And what happened in the end of a complex criminal mystery situation as it were, was that one of these kids' dads (in an attempt to cover up the fact that his son accidentally killed a guy, so that he would be sure to get into schools and be the success his dad was willing him to become)..the kid's dad brutally murdered this newly involved kid because he was going to man-up and do the right thing by telling the police what had happened. This guy killed a kid, not for any legitimate reason that a person's life should be taken. For the lust of success and prestige and money.
This made me think of investments. Which I've been thinking about a lot lately. Which also makes me think about resources and commodities. WHAT IS IT THAT IS VALUED? What do I save up and spend and invest? Hah, I can guarantee you at this point in life that it isn't money! And I don't think I ever want it to be money. "Spend time, not money" is what I always say to myself. Time. Love. Passion. Truth. These are good investments. Abundant resources. Precious commodities. Money is paper and scraps of metal. Status is a label they won't carve in your epitaph. And accomplishments can't be hitched to your hearse.
They're building bodies to fill buildings...tall glass cases, full of numbers and papers and spent time. Maybe I'll carve a cathedral?
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