li - li - liar

i never say anything i don't mean.

i might if i could...but i can't. but even if i could i probably wouldn't do it on purpose, maybe just sometimes by accident when someone caught me off-guard and i needed a quick lie. but i can't even do that--if i get caught off guard and need to give an answer, i always say some part of the truth. mahah sometimes though the truth is a secret, so i say it in words that keep the secret. there are so many interesting ways to say things. i wonder how many ways people can hear the truth through?

i forgot why i was writing this.

tonight, i really feel like going to a show. but not a Now show...a Back in the Day show...like where there could be 4 different bands playing 4 different genres that everyone in the crowd was too new and just plain excited that there was a show to even be able to label. where everyone didn't have to sound the same and look the same and where creative (even poppy) melodies were allowed among the breakdowns and where there were more people in the crowd and less people in the "VIP section" on the sidestage. where there wasn't a stage. where you could have a conversation with someone in a band at their merch table because they weren't hiding out from the groupies and making their merch friend fend off the life-sucking masses...

and i'm not gonna lie...i really like Marianas Trench...i've only heard their one song that gets played from time to time on MuchMusic. can't get enough of it. upbeat melodies just make me smile. they feel like summertime.

i just watched a moneen video...and i miss them! sooo good live. it's been a long time since i saw them last...it would sure be swell to catch them again.

i think this is the most i've talked about music in 2 years.

i also would like to know what i'm supposed to do after grad. i've got a few months though..so i guess i'll find out when the time is right. oh silly life. today Marv e-mailed me some instructions for the independent study some of us are participating in this semester...he wanted to know how my internship went and i always get kind of vague and drift off when people inquire about my "logical path to youth pastordom"...i still really don't feel built to do the logical thing...to be a typical youth pastor at a squeaky suburban church.... i really love my church and the people there but its demographic and system is much different than ... me and mine?

i'm not so much the preppy, cute young mom with toddlers and a love for contemporary music and symmetrical surroundings and charts and graphs. i always kind of smile to myself during the music section of the service...i think they use the same hyper drum beat for every song...and everyone is suuper smiley and stoked on life, and it feels like the carebears are going to burst out of the worship leaders' chests or something...which i'm sure really gets a lot of people pumped and helps them worship God. it kind of assaults my senses though. i'm not a particularly exhuberant person, so mirroring that kind of stuff makes me feel really fake. OH i just put 2 and 2 together there and realized why i have a hard time participating in those songs...because i can't lie! aaaahhh that makes so much more sense. here i was dreading that i'm dead inside. hahaha. i would someday like to hear a haunting worship song in a minor key though. that would be very beautiful i bet. or just a purely instrumental one. or to see a sanctuary that doesn't have microsoft-colored carpet and trim. or to visit a youth centre that is a-little-less-random-smattering-of-donated-items-and-pool-tables-with-a-"freeway"-themed-environment, and-a-little-more-coffeehouse/show venue/welcoming-to-kids-who-don't-necessarily-have-a-raging-addiction-to-floor-hockey-and-loudass-TFK-tunes. or to offer a small group based on media study, where it wouldn't be offending someone's anal rules to watch a popular movie and discuss it.

but yes it's kind of crazy when everyone is cheering you on to glide into the niche in life that they've been expecting you to, the one that "makes sense." i mean, my degree is super flexible so that's rad, it's not like i only have one option of what to use my life for. but everyone just seems to love putting the limits of logic on life. i still have no idea where i'm supposed to go. or just exactly what it is i'm meant to do with 5 years of youth culture/adolescent development/psychology/theology/history under my belt. but i know this: i love Truth. i love challenging people. i love creating and building things. i love helping people see things in ways they haven't thought to look at them. i'm not sure what that adds up to, but i think it's something interesting. my pastor/temporary-boss and i talked a lot last semester about calling. which is kind of a can of worms in my case i guess. but hey, i'm young and imaginitive, so it'll work out. no sweat.

"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!"
--Luke 1:45

(...even if she hasn't quite deciphered what he's said yet! mahah)