i work all day / i work all night
i am an automated girl
in an automatic world.
hahah.
but anyways, yah, it's commonplace for me to find myself acting like a machine lately.
i really do work a lot...2 jobs...hiring and training a new manager to replace me at the shop at the same time i supervise/wrangle a crew of semi-lost and fatally lethargic high school kids at the restaurant...which combines into one epic lack of anything very interesting to say.
i've taken to watching old movies in the middle of the night to remind myself what relationships (however fabricated) look like. but i'm not complaining--this is the first time in several years i've had to devote to mere mechanical performance, free of the yoke of education and expectation--it feels utterly delightful. (i won't lie though, i often carve out time at the shop or in the night-time for reading and i know i'm observing and theorizing--although not to my own stratospheric self-imposed standards--pretty much all the time...)
if all goes well, i may take the month of november off.
i've decided to decide between two challenges as i enter the upcoming "BC phase":
i am either going to
a) focus on relationships and love and vulnerability and all the human junk i back-burner
or
b) focus on avoiding other people for the most part and delving deep into the neglected caverns of myself
maybe a combo. b then a. yes. it's decided.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
looking for love in all the wrong places
It always sends a deep hollow sorrow through my chest to know someone is playing a part in something beyond them...letting go of something before they even knew they had it...taking on something before they even knew it was there...
It really breaks my heart to hear how much random sex kids around here are having.
The ones I work with, they're always asking about Kalen being straightedge or being roommates with his girlfriend and about my past and present as well. It makes me sad to see the guarded disbelief on their faces when I tell them I don't sleep around, like I'm going to go "naaah just kidding! PFFF!" three seconds later. It hurts my heart to hear the things they say about each other and themselves.
I wish they knew.
I wish they knew they were loved beyond that. I wish they knew they could love beyond that.
I have a forever fight inside me, never quite sure who wins out...everyone talks (in this therapeutic, support-group saturated society...in the ministry infected by it..) about this "integrity" where you have to be an expert before anyone hears you out on something. eg: "if you're going to be a youth pastor and tell people 'how to raise their kids' then you better have kids before you start saying that stuff." I don't know. I think that's kinda bogus.
I am drawn back to the story of the woman at the well on a pretty regular basis. I love that story. I love figuring it out, finding new aspects of what went down there, learning beyond the Sunday School "living water" bit. Honestly, I just love how Christ walked straight into that encounter and loved her. No small talk, no bullshit, no judging, no avoiding, no polite overlooking, no minding-his-own-business. He just showed up, loved her, showed her the Truth, and gave her a new option.
I adore and dread this, because I want to be the kind of person who can show up and love you. Enough to let God show you the Truth and call you out of the shit you've unwittingly immersed yourself in. And, I mean, obviously I'm not Jesus Christ, so I don't exactly have the identical holy chutzpah with which to stroll up to strangers and exhort them...but, uh, isn't there a part in the bible where he passes this kind of thing on to us and oh I don't know...says we'll do even greater things? (see: John 14)
So shouldn't I maybe have the nerve to wish for an encounter? For the fifteen year old girl who just slept with her tenth guy--a friend of my brother's to boot--who's the "gossip of the night" among her "friends" at work to be the last one to leave tonight when I'm closing up? For the love to ask "what are you doing, little one?" and to tell her, "you don't have to.. you don't have to."
Oh God.
It really breaks my heart to hear how much random sex kids around here are having.
The ones I work with, they're always asking about Kalen being straightedge or being roommates with his girlfriend and about my past and present as well. It makes me sad to see the guarded disbelief on their faces when I tell them I don't sleep around, like I'm going to go "naaah just kidding! PFFF!" three seconds later. It hurts my heart to hear the things they say about each other and themselves.
I wish they knew.
I wish they knew they were loved beyond that. I wish they knew they could love beyond that.
I have a forever fight inside me, never quite sure who wins out...everyone talks (in this therapeutic, support-group saturated society...in the ministry infected by it..) about this "integrity" where you have to be an expert before anyone hears you out on something. eg: "if you're going to be a youth pastor and tell people 'how to raise their kids' then you better have kids before you start saying that stuff." I don't know. I think that's kinda bogus.
I am drawn back to the story of the woman at the well on a pretty regular basis. I love that story. I love figuring it out, finding new aspects of what went down there, learning beyond the Sunday School "living water" bit. Honestly, I just love how Christ walked straight into that encounter and loved her. No small talk, no bullshit, no judging, no avoiding, no polite overlooking, no minding-his-own-business. He just showed up, loved her, showed her the Truth, and gave her a new option.
I adore and dread this, because I want to be the kind of person who can show up and love you. Enough to let God show you the Truth and call you out of the shit you've unwittingly immersed yourself in. And, I mean, obviously I'm not Jesus Christ, so I don't exactly have the identical holy chutzpah with which to stroll up to strangers and exhort them...but, uh, isn't there a part in the bible where he passes this kind of thing on to us and oh I don't know...says we'll do even greater things? (see: John 14)
So shouldn't I maybe have the nerve to wish for an encounter? For the fifteen year old girl who just slept with her tenth guy--a friend of my brother's to boot--who's the "gossip of the night" among her "friends" at work to be the last one to leave tonight when I'm closing up? For the love to ask "what are you doing, little one?" and to tell her, "you don't have to.. you don't have to."
Oh God.
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