tonight i watched Les Miserables.
if you want to see something that will make you think about grace and love and mercy, that's a good place to begin. it's a very good story. do you remember a time when stories were built by characters who reflected God's mode of love?
me neither.
i wonder, just what love is. lately i've been feeling like mine is broken. my love i mean.
i've also been reading a book, and a quote in the beginning of this book says this:
Man's love is of man's life a thing apart
'Tis a woman's whole existence.
(-Byron)
oh really? then i am reallllly broken. absolutely defective in fact, i suppose!
but just hold on because honestly, what is love? who ever really told me, or you, what love is? i bet our parents tried and i bet God tried and i bet movies won. don't they always win? because the definition we hear the most repeated is the definition we expect a thing to embody. i think i knew better once...i think i knew God's love better once...but then i watched too many movies.
but maybe love ... well i don't feel qualified to define it or discount the definitions that i don't think define it. but here is the thing. in that movie there were a lot of different loves. but the only one that remained steady and true under all the tumultuous, selfish, seeking versions, was grace.
grace is a love that nobody tells us stories of anymore. we don't even tell ourselves stories of grace, do we? do we daydream of giving gracious love? or do we daydream of love that is received..love that comes to us..love we can capture and keep. even if we suppose the one we dream of receiving this love from is one whom we love...what is that? what is the love we think we have for them? is it more often than not greed masquarading as love?
the villain of Les Miserables is a police inspector whose life ambition, whose motivation, whose love becomes the hunt for jean val jean--the former convict who has turned his life around as a result of an act of grace and devoted it to multiplying that grace. it is absolutely tragic because this "villain" wastes his entire existence on the lusty pursuit of his heart's tainted desire.
is our love tainted? is that why we can't love very well? is that why we long for love that never seems to find us...because it is too busy longing for its love to come as well? is that why we doubt what we feel pieces of and label "love"--afraid to give it because it might not be returned?
has greed become the new definition of love? could you ask yourself why you love someone? could i ask myself that? if i love because i lack, because i want, because my own love is tainted and i need someone else's virtue to compensate for my failing...what has love become?
God's love is not greedy..he does not reach out to capture us up in his fists. love cannot clutch the loved. it cannot own. an open hand, extended to the loved with a gift of grace is maybe real. and to be loved in return might be once the gift is extracted and the open hand lies empty..the beloved takes the hand. did we forget that part? oh...what are we doing..
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Sunday, January 14, 2007
li - li - liar
i never say anything i don't mean.
i might if i could...but i can't. but even if i could i probably wouldn't do it on purpose, maybe just sometimes by accident when someone caught me off-guard and i needed a quick lie. but i can't even do that--if i get caught off guard and need to give an answer, i always say some part of the truth. mahah sometimes though the truth is a secret, so i say it in words that keep the secret. there are so many interesting ways to say things. i wonder how many ways people can hear the truth through?
i forgot why i was writing this.
tonight, i really feel like going to a show. but not a Now show...a Back in the Day show...like where there could be 4 different bands playing 4 different genres that everyone in the crowd was too new and just plain excited that there was a show to even be able to label. where everyone didn't have to sound the same and look the same and where creative (even poppy) melodies were allowed among the breakdowns and where there were more people in the crowd and less people in the "VIP section" on the sidestage. where there wasn't a stage. where you could have a conversation with someone in a band at their merch table because they weren't hiding out from the groupies and making their merch friend fend off the life-sucking masses...
and i'm not gonna lie...i really like Marianas Trench...i've only heard their one song that gets played from time to time on MuchMusic. can't get enough of it. upbeat melodies just make me smile. they feel like summertime.
i just watched a moneen video...and i miss them! sooo good live. it's been a long time since i saw them last...it would sure be swell to catch them again.
i think this is the most i've talked about music in 2 years.
i also would like to know what i'm supposed to do after grad. i've got a few months though..so i guess i'll find out when the time is right. oh silly life. today Marv e-mailed me some instructions for the independent study some of us are participating in this semester...he wanted to know how my internship went and i always get kind of vague and drift off when people inquire about my "logical path to youth pastordom"...i still really don't feel built to do the logical thing...to be a typical youth pastor at a squeaky suburban church.... i really love my church and the people there but its demographic and system is much different than ... me and mine?
i'm not so much the preppy, cute young mom with toddlers and a love for contemporary music and symmetrical surroundings and charts and graphs. i always kind of smile to myself during the music section of the service...i think they use the same hyper drum beat for every song...and everyone is suuper smiley and stoked on life, and it feels like the carebears are going to burst out of the worship leaders' chests or something...which i'm sure really gets a lot of people pumped and helps them worship God. it kind of assaults my senses though. i'm not a particularly exhuberant person, so mirroring that kind of stuff makes me feel really fake. OH i just put 2 and 2 together there and realized why i have a hard time participating in those songs...because i can't lie! aaaahhh that makes so much more sense. here i was dreading that i'm dead inside. hahaha. i would someday like to hear a haunting worship song in a minor key though. that would be very beautiful i bet. or just a purely instrumental one. or to see a sanctuary that doesn't have microsoft-colored carpet and trim. or to visit a youth centre that is a-little-less-random-smattering-of-donated-items-and-pool-tables-with-a-"freeway"-themed-environment, and-a-little-more-coffeehouse/show venue/welcoming-to-kids-who-don't-necessarily-have-a-raging-addiction-to-floor-hockey-and-loudass-TFK-tunes. or to offer a small group based on media study, where it wouldn't be offending someone's anal rules to watch a popular movie and discuss it.
but yes it's kind of crazy when everyone is cheering you on to glide into the niche in life that they've been expecting you to, the one that "makes sense." i mean, my degree is super flexible so that's rad, it's not like i only have one option of what to use my life for. but everyone just seems to love putting the limits of logic on life. i still have no idea where i'm supposed to go. or just exactly what it is i'm meant to do with 5 years of youth culture/adolescent development/psychology/theology/history under my belt. but i know this: i love Truth. i love challenging people. i love creating and building things. i love helping people see things in ways they haven't thought to look at them. i'm not sure what that adds up to, but i think it's something interesting. my pastor/temporary-boss and i talked a lot last semester about calling. which is kind of a can of worms in my case i guess. but hey, i'm young and imaginitive, so it'll work out. no sweat.
"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!"
--Luke 1:45
(...even if she hasn't quite deciphered what he's said yet! mahah)
i might if i could...but i can't. but even if i could i probably wouldn't do it on purpose, maybe just sometimes by accident when someone caught me off-guard and i needed a quick lie. but i can't even do that--if i get caught off guard and need to give an answer, i always say some part of the truth. mahah sometimes though the truth is a secret, so i say it in words that keep the secret. there are so many interesting ways to say things. i wonder how many ways people can hear the truth through?
i forgot why i was writing this.
tonight, i really feel like going to a show. but not a Now show...a Back in the Day show...like where there could be 4 different bands playing 4 different genres that everyone in the crowd was too new and just plain excited that there was a show to even be able to label. where everyone didn't have to sound the same and look the same and where creative (even poppy) melodies were allowed among the breakdowns and where there were more people in the crowd and less people in the "VIP section" on the sidestage. where there wasn't a stage. where you could have a conversation with someone in a band at their merch table because they weren't hiding out from the groupies and making their merch friend fend off the life-sucking masses...
and i'm not gonna lie...i really like Marianas Trench...i've only heard their one song that gets played from time to time on MuchMusic. can't get enough of it. upbeat melodies just make me smile. they feel like summertime.
i just watched a moneen video...and i miss them! sooo good live. it's been a long time since i saw them last...it would sure be swell to catch them again.
i think this is the most i've talked about music in 2 years.
i also would like to know what i'm supposed to do after grad. i've got a few months though..so i guess i'll find out when the time is right. oh silly life. today Marv e-mailed me some instructions for the independent study some of us are participating in this semester...he wanted to know how my internship went and i always get kind of vague and drift off when people inquire about my "logical path to youth pastordom"...i still really don't feel built to do the logical thing...to be a typical youth pastor at a squeaky suburban church.... i really love my church and the people there but its demographic and system is much different than ... me and mine?
i'm not so much the preppy, cute young mom with toddlers and a love for contemporary music and symmetrical surroundings and charts and graphs. i always kind of smile to myself during the music section of the service...i think they use the same hyper drum beat for every song...and everyone is suuper smiley and stoked on life, and it feels like the carebears are going to burst out of the worship leaders' chests or something...which i'm sure really gets a lot of people pumped and helps them worship God. it kind of assaults my senses though. i'm not a particularly exhuberant person, so mirroring that kind of stuff makes me feel really fake. OH i just put 2 and 2 together there and realized why i have a hard time participating in those songs...because i can't lie! aaaahhh that makes so much more sense. here i was dreading that i'm dead inside. hahaha. i would someday like to hear a haunting worship song in a minor key though. that would be very beautiful i bet. or just a purely instrumental one. or to see a sanctuary that doesn't have microsoft-colored carpet and trim. or to visit a youth centre that is a-little-less-random-smattering-of-donated-items-and-pool-tables-with-a-"freeway"-themed-environment, and-a-little-more-coffeehouse/show venue/welcoming-to-kids-who-don't-necessarily-have-a-raging-addiction-to-floor-hockey-and-loudass-TFK-tunes. or to offer a small group based on media study, where it wouldn't be offending someone's anal rules to watch a popular movie and discuss it.
but yes it's kind of crazy when everyone is cheering you on to glide into the niche in life that they've been expecting you to, the one that "makes sense." i mean, my degree is super flexible so that's rad, it's not like i only have one option of what to use my life for. but everyone just seems to love putting the limits of logic on life. i still have no idea where i'm supposed to go. or just exactly what it is i'm meant to do with 5 years of youth culture/adolescent development/psychology/theology/history under my belt. but i know this: i love Truth. i love challenging people. i love creating and building things. i love helping people see things in ways they haven't thought to look at them. i'm not sure what that adds up to, but i think it's something interesting. my pastor/temporary-boss and i talked a lot last semester about calling. which is kind of a can of worms in my case i guess. but hey, i'm young and imaginitive, so it'll work out. no sweat.
"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!"
--Luke 1:45
(...even if she hasn't quite deciphered what he's said yet! mahah)
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Building a Mystery
So since I'm not really allowed to talk to anyone, here I am again...
(I'm not copping out on in-person communication...this is one of those topics that I actually have talked to locals and bestfriendsonthephone about...and have been met with vacant expressions or "Shaina, you think too much"s...sooo the internet = my last resort!)
D'you ever realize at the end of a day that you seem to've had a Theme Day?
I so had a Theme Day today!
One of the first things I did this morning was write a beefy check, which really should have made me wince because really I have no money and really have to pay the school even more money to graduate...but I really didn't care! No matter how much I try to make myself get concerned about money, I have never been able to work up a worry about it.
I carried on to church where the sermon was about ... money! But not a "the church needs a new carpet" sermon...it was a real good one about not being a slave to money, and about freedom. I really respected my pastor for putting the emphasis in the right place. He even busted out my very favorite Bible verse, and one of my Top 3 Verses to Build a Life On: Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven...For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Matthew 6:19-21)
[Extra Interjected Story: Once, at the end of a Briercrest year, around 3am... Elsa and I decided to "paint the town" so to speak. With a carton of sidewalk chalk and eyes full of stars and hearts bursting with secret excitement, we made our way all over campus, leaving kindergarten graffiti in our wake... I never felt so accomplished as a human being as when I scrawled that verse across the curving A-building steps. Oh the satisfying sensation of assaulting public property with a message no one can complain about!]
Now you might think the theme of the day was "money" but you'd be wrong. Because I don't even really know what the theme of the day was. But it was something, I'll tell ya that much.
Next thing that happened was that at church and after church (practically everyone from my church goes to DQ for Sunday lunch...kind of an unofficial tradition), was that every other person I saw said, "Oh you're still here! Are you going back to school? Are you staying here??" The thing that happens when you're one of those "responsible leader-types" who has gone to college and functioned in an official position is that people really really want to be able to label you. Well, that happens with everyone. But it becomes much more acceptable to overtly discuss with a person who has built up a "title" to apply to themself. I want to disintigrate when people ask me things like "What are you going to be?" or "What degree will you have?" because that's not who I am! Ask me what I want to do in life, and you'll get a very different answer that might even dare you to imagine or feel something! Aha, but not many folks want to know those things...they're dangerous...maha...
So this all got me antsy and edgy because I have issues with being stationary. It's just not in my blood. Not that I need to be a chronic drifter...but I'm just not built to settle in too deep. I can settle into people quite nicely (if they're clever and determined enough to trick me into it), but I can't seem to settle into circumstances long-term. I think that's going to be conducive to my role in this life, but I don't know how yet. I'm good at waiting though. My friend Jess--we used to stay up ridiculously late at school watching movies with beautiful art direction and then have long talks or read poetry and I miss that--she reminded me of one of my old favorites the other day, Mister Robert Service. She sent me a piece of a poem that perhaps perfectly matches part of me...
[ http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Bluffs/8336/robertservice/men.html ]
I told Kim about it at lunch and she laughed at me for loving it and for getting angry over it all at the same time. (Personally, I think love and anger are very necessary for each other). I love it because a) I just love how Service writes 'em and b) it rings true in that people who have no sense of responsibility or dedication will ultimately fail at the challenge of life and c) the slow, steady image reminds me of my dad who is my ultimate role model....BUT it makes me angry because it makes it seem that those who wander and plough through life as adventurers and discoverers and pioneers are setting themselves up for disaster. That they will never know life
or love
or effectiveness
because they didn't follow the pattern cut out by old hands and laid before them. Nuts to that! I'm rubbing the pattern out of my eyes, dashing it to the floor, and I just dare anyone to tell me that there is no one else out there who will do the same
or will go along with me
or will know my message when I'm dead and gone.
I only felt more affirmed tonight when I saw this annoying commercial that plagues my existance from time to time. I think it's for workopolis.com and it has a voiceover that says "You want..." and fills that in with a dozen stupid things emphasizing career, economic, and social success. GAH! I think every time I see it my mind does a subconscious auto-response that I catch sometimes saying "I don't want..." (fill in the blank with: "a prestigious career, a 4-bedroom house, 2 SUVs, a hot tub, 2 blonde kids, vacations in Mexico, etc.") Hahah I really am going to fail at the life I've been set up for. And I couldn't be more excited!
I was watching a show, one of those crime dramas, and it was about this really smart kid who went to private school and was all set to breeze into an ivy-league school and become some doctor or lawyer or something (heavy emphasis on these boys' fathers who are gunner businessmen/dads with big dreams and heavy expectations). But as it turned out, the kid had a couple run-ins with cut and bruised looking chaps in his class who lured him into a pseudo-fight-club where they escaped the numbness of their copy and paste lives. The turning point for the kid was this really well written scene (accompanied by a fantastic Death Cab song that got me extra-energized when coupled with the speech this fight club founder was laying on the zombified guy--don't you love when something good is built on top of the perfect song??) umm...oh yeah the scene where this really savvy and passionate guy is riling the other guy up by trying to snap him out of his mould, by opening his eyes to the fact that he's not living his own life or doing what he's meant to do--he's just conforming to the pattern that's been laid out for him to put on, like a chalk outline.
And what happened in the end of a complex criminal mystery situation as it were, was that one of these kids' dads (in an attempt to cover up the fact that his son accidentally killed a guy, so that he would be sure to get into schools and be the success his dad was willing him to become)..the kid's dad brutally murdered this newly involved kid because he was going to man-up and do the right thing by telling the police what had happened. This guy killed a kid, not for any legitimate reason that a person's life should be taken. For the lust of success and prestige and money.
This made me think of investments. Which I've been thinking about a lot lately. Which also makes me think about resources and commodities. WHAT IS IT THAT IS VALUED? What do I save up and spend and invest? Hah, I can guarantee you at this point in life that it isn't money! And I don't think I ever want it to be money. "Spend time, not money" is what I always say to myself. Time. Love. Passion. Truth. These are good investments. Abundant resources. Precious commodities. Money is paper and scraps of metal. Status is a label they won't carve in your epitaph. And accomplishments can't be hitched to your hearse.
They're building bodies to fill buildings...tall glass cases, full of numbers and papers and spent time. Maybe I'll carve a cathedral?
(I'm not copping out on in-person communication...this is one of those topics that I actually have talked to locals and bestfriendsonthephone about...and have been met with vacant expressions or "Shaina, you think too much"s...sooo the internet = my last resort!)
D'you ever realize at the end of a day that you seem to've had a Theme Day?
I so had a Theme Day today!
One of the first things I did this morning was write a beefy check, which really should have made me wince because really I have no money and really have to pay the school even more money to graduate...but I really didn't care! No matter how much I try to make myself get concerned about money, I have never been able to work up a worry about it.
I carried on to church where the sermon was about ... money! But not a "the church needs a new carpet" sermon...it was a real good one about not being a slave to money, and about freedom. I really respected my pastor for putting the emphasis in the right place. He even busted out my very favorite Bible verse, and one of my Top 3 Verses to Build a Life On: Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven...For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Matthew 6:19-21)
[Extra Interjected Story: Once, at the end of a Briercrest year, around 3am... Elsa and I decided to "paint the town" so to speak. With a carton of sidewalk chalk and eyes full of stars and hearts bursting with secret excitement, we made our way all over campus, leaving kindergarten graffiti in our wake... I never felt so accomplished as a human being as when I scrawled that verse across the curving A-building steps. Oh the satisfying sensation of assaulting public property with a message no one can complain about!]
Now you might think the theme of the day was "money" but you'd be wrong. Because I don't even really know what the theme of the day was. But it was something, I'll tell ya that much.
Next thing that happened was that at church and after church (practically everyone from my church goes to DQ for Sunday lunch...kind of an unofficial tradition), was that every other person I saw said, "Oh you're still here! Are you going back to school? Are you staying here??" The thing that happens when you're one of those "responsible leader-types" who has gone to college and functioned in an official position is that people really really want to be able to label you. Well, that happens with everyone. But it becomes much more acceptable to overtly discuss with a person who has built up a "title" to apply to themself. I want to disintigrate when people ask me things like "What are you going to be?" or "What degree will you have?" because that's not who I am! Ask me what I want to do in life, and you'll get a very different answer that might even dare you to imagine or feel something! Aha, but not many folks want to know those things...they're dangerous...maha...
So this all got me antsy and edgy because I have issues with being stationary. It's just not in my blood. Not that I need to be a chronic drifter...but I'm just not built to settle in too deep. I can settle into people quite nicely (if they're clever and determined enough to trick me into it), but I can't seem to settle into circumstances long-term. I think that's going to be conducive to my role in this life, but I don't know how yet. I'm good at waiting though. My friend Jess--we used to stay up ridiculously late at school watching movies with beautiful art direction and then have long talks or read poetry and I miss that--she reminded me of one of my old favorites the other day, Mister Robert Service. She sent me a piece of a poem that perhaps perfectly matches part of me...
[ http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Bluffs/8336/robertservice/men.html ]
I told Kim about it at lunch and she laughed at me for loving it and for getting angry over it all at the same time. (Personally, I think love and anger are very necessary for each other). I love it because a) I just love how Service writes 'em and b) it rings true in that people who have no sense of responsibility or dedication will ultimately fail at the challenge of life and c) the slow, steady image reminds me of my dad who is my ultimate role model....BUT it makes me angry because it makes it seem that those who wander and plough through life as adventurers and discoverers and pioneers are setting themselves up for disaster. That they will never know life
or love
or effectiveness
because they didn't follow the pattern cut out by old hands and laid before them. Nuts to that! I'm rubbing the pattern out of my eyes, dashing it to the floor, and I just dare anyone to tell me that there is no one else out there who will do the same
or will go along with me
or will know my message when I'm dead and gone.
I only felt more affirmed tonight when I saw this annoying commercial that plagues my existance from time to time. I think it's for workopolis.com and it has a voiceover that says "You want..." and fills that in with a dozen stupid things emphasizing career, economic, and social success. GAH! I think every time I see it my mind does a subconscious auto-response that I catch sometimes saying "I don't want..." (fill in the blank with: "a prestigious career, a 4-bedroom house, 2 SUVs, a hot tub, 2 blonde kids, vacations in Mexico, etc.") Hahah I really am going to fail at the life I've been set up for. And I couldn't be more excited!
I was watching a show, one of those crime dramas, and it was about this really smart kid who went to private school and was all set to breeze into an ivy-league school and become some doctor or lawyer or something (heavy emphasis on these boys' fathers who are gunner businessmen/dads with big dreams and heavy expectations). But as it turned out, the kid had a couple run-ins with cut and bruised looking chaps in his class who lured him into a pseudo-fight-club where they escaped the numbness of their copy and paste lives. The turning point for the kid was this really well written scene (accompanied by a fantastic Death Cab song that got me extra-energized when coupled with the speech this fight club founder was laying on the zombified guy--don't you love when something good is built on top of the perfect song??) umm...oh yeah the scene where this really savvy and passionate guy is riling the other guy up by trying to snap him out of his mould, by opening his eyes to the fact that he's not living his own life or doing what he's meant to do--he's just conforming to the pattern that's been laid out for him to put on, like a chalk outline.
And what happened in the end of a complex criminal mystery situation as it were, was that one of these kids' dads (in an attempt to cover up the fact that his son accidentally killed a guy, so that he would be sure to get into schools and be the success his dad was willing him to become)..the kid's dad brutally murdered this newly involved kid because he was going to man-up and do the right thing by telling the police what had happened. This guy killed a kid, not for any legitimate reason that a person's life should be taken. For the lust of success and prestige and money.
This made me think of investments. Which I've been thinking about a lot lately. Which also makes me think about resources and commodities. WHAT IS IT THAT IS VALUED? What do I save up and spend and invest? Hah, I can guarantee you at this point in life that it isn't money! And I don't think I ever want it to be money. "Spend time, not money" is what I always say to myself. Time. Love. Passion. Truth. These are good investments. Abundant resources. Precious commodities. Money is paper and scraps of metal. Status is a label they won't carve in your epitaph. And accomplishments can't be hitched to your hearse.
They're building bodies to fill buildings...tall glass cases, full of numbers and papers and spent time. Maybe I'll carve a cathedral?
Saturday, January 06, 2007
dear world,
jamison says we're sticking it to the man in our exercise to avoid msn and myspace for a week...but i don't think i'm trying to stick it to the man...(and i know he's kidding)...but i do agree that it feels nice to be partially free of the internet. although i haven't really been doing many other amazing things with my newfound spare time. kim and i agreed to have a Star Wars-athon before she left and see all 6 movies. which was a wretched mistake. but we were dead set on finishing, so i think i've spent the better part of last night and today watching those. there was a shining moment last night at around 3am when Yoda did something i found excessively hilarious. oh and dear jamison (an aside): i was only wearing a hoodie outside here in saskatchewan in the middle of the night tonight...although i think i encountered an abominable snowman at one point in a Star Wars movie..it was COOL! i think more puppets/animatronics should be integrated in films...CG is soooo lame. but anyways, it has been a good exercise in self-control steering clear of these two avenues of communication (although i admit, i had to sign on to myspace very briefly to get in touch with a couple of my youth leaders about youth group tonight..but i avoided all other temptations like messages and comments!) um yeah it's hard though because i don't really have anyone literally here with me to have a good conversation with! except kim's here till sunday..except we basically know all each other's secrets and stories and lives, so it's not as exciting as faroff friends i suppose.
un-internet things besides Star Wars that i did today:
- began to make up about 4 stories in my head and then abandoned each of them once i got too wrapped up in them (they're awful, like big spider webs sometimes)
- saw my doctor/surgeon guy who is a very sweet man from Nigeria (he was happy to tell me i'm not as bad-off as they thought i was and then he prayed for me using lovely ancient words and his nice African accent, it kind of felt like magic i think)
- rocked everyone's faces off at youth group with my previously unknown pictionary prowess (i chalk it up to reading too much and being so "thesorelogical"--yeah. i'm that good. i have the authority to make up my own words.)
- spent some time with kim watching The Man In the Iron Mask (which made me happy because:
a. it fit with me and karl's discussion about honor and the characters in it were very inspiring
b. i was reminded how much i like watching leonardo dicaprio make me forget that he exists outside whatever character he's playing in a film
c. it renewed my appreciation for the modern accessibility that men have to showers)
i also spent a good deal of time feeling something growing inside of me and not being able to tell what it is...it feels like it's in my heart, but then it feels like it's in my throat, my hands, in my eyes... maybe it was just the stories. but it somehow seems to me that something is building, and it's not just in me but it's outside of me, but it's so safely contained in either place that it's aching to escape and threatening to but i'm having a hard time discerning things lately, too. there are many paths to the same end. are there? ambition? mission? love? going, staying, it's all the same, all the same... there is an end i'm supposed to be making my way to. i just can't tell which decision will lead me there. my distrust for myself looms unwelcome in the rooms i go to seek counsel in. and i know i shouldn't give my self so much credit. i'm awfully bad at this all. i'll keep at it though. and if anyone should entrust you with any clues for me, please don't hide them away...i could use a clue or two!
signed
sincerely,
Nancy Drew.
un-internet things besides Star Wars that i did today:
- began to make up about 4 stories in my head and then abandoned each of them once i got too wrapped up in them (they're awful, like big spider webs sometimes)
- saw my doctor/surgeon guy who is a very sweet man from Nigeria (he was happy to tell me i'm not as bad-off as they thought i was and then he prayed for me using lovely ancient words and his nice African accent, it kind of felt like magic i think)
- rocked everyone's faces off at youth group with my previously unknown pictionary prowess (i chalk it up to reading too much and being so "thesorelogical"--yeah. i'm that good. i have the authority to make up my own words.)
- spent some time with kim watching The Man In the Iron Mask (which made me happy because:
a. it fit with me and karl's discussion about honor and the characters in it were very inspiring
b. i was reminded how much i like watching leonardo dicaprio make me forget that he exists outside whatever character he's playing in a film
c. it renewed my appreciation for the modern accessibility that men have to showers)
i also spent a good deal of time feeling something growing inside of me and not being able to tell what it is...it feels like it's in my heart, but then it feels like it's in my throat, my hands, in my eyes... maybe it was just the stories. but it somehow seems to me that something is building, and it's not just in me but it's outside of me, but it's so safely contained in either place that it's aching to escape and threatening to but i'm having a hard time discerning things lately, too. there are many paths to the same end. are there? ambition? mission? love? going, staying, it's all the same, all the same... there is an end i'm supposed to be making my way to. i just can't tell which decision will lead me there. my distrust for myself looms unwelcome in the rooms i go to seek counsel in. and i know i shouldn't give my self so much credit. i'm awfully bad at this all. i'll keep at it though. and if anyone should entrust you with any clues for me, please don't hide them away...i could use a clue or two!
signed
sincerely,
Nancy Drew.
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