you'd be wise to doubt every word i ever said

my friend jennie tells a story of a "blustery day" that set the stage for an extraordinary moment involving polite strangers-passing-as-they-cross-the-street conversation. the miniscule comments on the weather suddenly became a scene from a musical as the nameless man went all gene kelly on her and burst into song: "come away with me!..." offering her his outstretched hand. what a magical man to create something so colorful on the grey day's canvas * * *

the story had a sad ending, though. jennie chose to deny her true self and rather than taking his hand, she just looked at him. oh the heartbreak--the loss--the muted magic-- ...

i suppose there is a seed of tragedy waiting in every otherwise lovely moment. waiting for you, for me, to crack it open and let its poison out because we dread the good that threatens it? i am not sure i would have taken the man's hand. a girl has got to be wary, afer all. maybe he is not magical--maybe he is a hunter...maybe he doesn't want to make her smile--maybe he wants her to make him smile...maybe he is horrible.

or maybe Someone else just wants them to make each other smile. maybe no one is the victim, no one is the winner, no one is anything at all. and if no one is anything at all, then how can you or i hope to become anything alone?

i am an epic loner. it's not a cultivated image that i bask in or flash around--it's not something i think is good. it's maybe just the biggest lie i buy. i stop short at armslength and i somehow dread everyone, what they think of me, what they want from me, what they don't want from me... and all of this is completely unfair to all of them. it's prejudiced and mean. why should i withhold God's blessings from them and instead offer them unsubstantiated judgements? and even if all they really are going to do is hurt me, i am not undeserving or immune--what makes me think i can guard myself against it? i am a silly, misled girl building fences where i should be planting flowers.

the sneaky shadow

have you ever had a friend who made your ribs run on ahead of you and your lungs feel like air isn't good enough? the kind of friend who made you soooo excited just at the thought of them (and just imagine, in their presence)?? ohhh i want that kind of friend again. what fun, what adventure! secret things and magic and hours quick like minutes if time actually existed and flecks of moonlight trapped in mischievous eyes and surprises that neither knew were coming but that the rest of the universe seemed to've schemed up all around them... ah, i think there's one out there somewhere...but where?! i'll keep my eyes peeled. sneaky, sneaky.

what i found there

ah, today they are taking away the last of the ancients.

two summers ago they took my old friend in pieces--took her apart and tossed her into the box of a shabby old truck. a very unregal escort for a classy dame such as herself. i mourned her woefully and held a makeshift wake with the window open, hoping johnny cash's sad song would drown out the chainsaw's ravenous howl for her.

i miss her silent splendor and the way she waited like a silver spectre in the summer nights for me, when stars forced light in vain to mimic her. she didn't even have to try, and they didn't look half so nice sprinkled on the velvet alone as they did sprinkled through her lovely hair. in the quiet hour i stood beneath her and gazed heavenward, knowing i could stay forever, not knowing that she couldn't.

i hear that old familiar tune, the song of doom and beauty's requiem again...the final stand.
her right hand is all that's left now, jutting like a skeletal farewell from the earth who just the other day whispered old invitations to come back to life.


and now what? the street makes no sense. the little ones will ask "birch drive? mommy, what is 'birch'?" and maybe someone will remember them. and i--i will find their dear old sisters and mothers and tell them of this urban tragedy i've seen unfold. and maybe if i ask, they will let me stay, and the stars will look right again..

brb

going outside.
be back someday.