you'd be wise to doubt every word i ever said

my friend jennie tells a story of a "blustery day" that set the stage for an extraordinary moment involving polite strangers-passing-as-they-cross-the-street conversation. the miniscule comments on the weather suddenly became a scene from a musical as the nameless man went all gene kelly on her and burst into song: "come away with me!..." offering her his outstretched hand. what a magical man to create something so colorful on the grey day's canvas * * *

the story had a sad ending, though. jennie chose to deny her true self and rather than taking his hand, she just looked at him. oh the heartbreak--the loss--the muted magic-- ...

i suppose there is a seed of tragedy waiting in every otherwise lovely moment. waiting for you, for me, to crack it open and let its poison out because we dread the good that threatens it? i am not sure i would have taken the man's hand. a girl has got to be wary, afer all. maybe he is not magical--maybe he is a hunter...maybe he doesn't want to make her smile--maybe he wants her to make him smile...maybe he is horrible.

or maybe Someone else just wants them to make each other smile. maybe no one is the victim, no one is the winner, no one is anything at all. and if no one is anything at all, then how can you or i hope to become anything alone?

i am an epic loner. it's not a cultivated image that i bask in or flash around--it's not something i think is good. it's maybe just the biggest lie i buy. i stop short at armslength and i somehow dread everyone, what they think of me, what they want from me, what they don't want from me... and all of this is completely unfair to all of them. it's prejudiced and mean. why should i withhold God's blessings from them and instead offer them unsubstantiated judgements? and even if all they really are going to do is hurt me, i am not undeserving or immune--what makes me think i can guard myself against it? i am a silly, misled girl building fences where i should be planting flowers.