Ladies and Gentlemen

I wish I could be a guy for a week. Or maybe be a series of different guys over the course of a week. I would like to perceive the world from that angle, because I wonder if they are like girls and there are different levels of sexual preoccupation or if it's just high across the board. I wonder if it would shock me. (either way).

The roots of this are in my moving-to-BC situation (what doesn't have roots in that these days). Rob and I were agreed that being roommates would be ideal and practical and fun, and not to mention: safe. Turns out his church leaders/bosses have a different outlook--which I respect and am more than willing to accommodate and hear out. Personally, I have no qualms about living with guys and I come from a family of very disciplined and loyal characters who make it a point in life to stick to our guns and beliefs. And I have a huge bone to pick with the "Christian culture" that puts more emphasis on hiding out from sin than confronting and defying it in Christ's name. This "spirit" of self-preservation is an evil one as far as I'm concerned, but that's a whole other story. If you think I'm a raging heretic, ask me about it sometime. I may or may not be making overstatements to offend you.

Now. Not to be a victim of my circumstances, I have decided to devote some time to figuring out whether or not I am just an ignorant secularized whore who needs the bible and a convent-apartment. 'Cause y'see, I will be the first to admit that I am a far cry from the pheromone-soaked girl who just blasted into the shop hunting for decals to complement the huge pink playboy ones she's putting on her car. Not to say I'm completely oblivious to the inherent sexuality that females possess--I've had over a decade's worth of thoughtful Betty Boop/porn star referencing reminders of the fact that I have curves, and more than enough teenage "suitors" professing their appreciation for older women--but I've made a point of focusing on a different Power in my life. And this focus I'm so used to by now makes me have to step back and squint when someone suggests I could be a threat to it.

I've been friends with several guys over the years, and I've never seen myself as a "stumbling block" to them whatsoever--I'm way too boring and plain for that kind of business. Aren't there certain girls that guys just don't think of like that? That are safe to live with and not dread? I mean, I read that Captivating book and "celebrated my femininity" and all...but I gotta say: it kind of offends me that I could be put on a shelf along with meth and internet porn. Just for being a girl. Surely not every person you set a drug in front of would be compelled to take it--surely not every male you could put me in an apartment with would have an irrepressable desire to be with me. Here is where we get to the great beast of Subjectivity.

Fair enough is a church's argument that co-ed living arrangements might not be an "appropriate witness" or could cause brothers to stumble, as such a circumstance might be construed as a gateway to sexual sin... But what about Christians taking jobs that pay ludicrous amounts of money? Isn't money even more dangerous than sex (see: The Bible and/or the actual founding force behind the sex trade industry), and yet there is no patrolling spirit in our churches discouraging the contexts that could serve as witnesses to riches and gateways to materialism. Ah, but we are much more willing to consider subjective situations when money is involved--maybe they will be good stewards and resist the temptation to build up earthly kingdoms in favor of charity and Christian influence! However, children, when it comes to sex let us just make objective blanket statements so we don't have to think too hard. "The fact is, boys have penises and girls have vaginas and obviously, 2+2=sex. What's that you say? He's a dentist and she has 6 credit cards? Well, let's hear them out."

(Just to clarify: These are just some overall observances about the modern church--no church in particular, should you think I'm being horrible and mocking Rob's church--like I said, I'd be endlessly happy to hear them out on their position.)

The bottom line is this:
I am trying to figure out whether or not I am in denial over my roles (chosen and not) in creation and this life. And I wish the church would do the same.

this is me at work.

so speaking of fake stuff, i have a fake engagement ring. i wear it if someone invites me to a shady pub/lounge and sometimes i throw it in my pocket on my way to work in case a creepy lingering guy stops in. is that totally weird? i think it's funny. and functional. mahah. (came in handy this morning! guys who come in shopping for sunglasses are never a good story and are always chock-full of lame anecdotes and quotes.)

i am so stoked on this weekend.
i've been used to summers featuring a decent amount of alone time with kalen and i working opposite shifts of each other and my parents being out at the farm. but this summer blair and marc' have been in town a ton and kalen and i were working days, so nights have been a full house of boys and loud movies.
but noooowww...kalen is moved up to regina, and blair and marc' have gone off on a bike trip to the states for an undetermined number of days...which means...two whole houses to myself!
i have all kinds of extravagantly boring plans brewing in my mind...
tonight i think i'll make spaghetti and actually get to eat some of it (usually kalen gets one whiff and pounces ravenously on it)...then i'll build my sweet fort that i wanted to do last night and watch The Sandlot...i think aaron's coming to visit tomorrow night, so that'll be cool to see an old friend again!...on saturday i think i'll go out to the farm and hang out for a while...we just got a bunch of saskatoons from the little place on the way there, so maybe i'll bake a pie and then scoop out all the filling and only eat bits of the crust...bahahah..(yep that's serrriously how i eat pie! haaate mushy filling!) ... it'd be fun to hang out there overnight but i think it's too scary to stay there all by myself, so maybe not. or maybe i'll just stay up all night watching movies and generating fear over sounds coming from outside? hahah. i think sunday shall be a "lost day" ... one of those ones where you forget what day it is and it seems to last forever. mmhmmm...maybe sitting outside reading and compiling my camp stuff.
this is going to be really great! i love summer...

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tuesday

i have a false book. it's one of those wood boxes that looks like a book. i put treasure in it and forget it's there. i suppose that's what this place is. except it's not treasure. just words.

today i miss someone but i don't know who it is. have you ever had that? where you feel the feeling of missing someone in particular but you're not sure just who it is? it's kind of fun because it's mysterious and it could be anyone, for any reason, and you could realize it at any moment.

dream world

i have a habit of tearing bits of pictures and patterns and stories and things out of magazines and tossing them all in folders for projects and presents and general junk that i indulge in later. same goes for treasure-collecting at thrift and vintage shops. i never really know for sure what i'm going to do with certain things, but i know it's going to be something special at just the right time.

i do the same thing with life. once upon a high school i wanted to be a dentist. (i know--sick!) ... but inevitably i fled from a future of mundane predictability and have been collecting a little mental folder of ideas for life, which i rifle through from time to time and piece together differently based on recent inspirations.

here is the collage i made this week:


"shaina's possible neat-o life layout no. 38"

own and operate a supercutesy little vintage flavored teahouse-bakery-sort-of-place, maybe in a little old house that is cottage-y...this would be very cozy in the winter and very breezy and sunny in the summer, maybe with some yellow doorjams and one-of-a-kind teacups collection and a lot of cookies and teensy little cakes and cuppycakes that i would decorate with sprinkles and real live flowers (well i guess they'd be dead)...umm...yep it'd be swell and sweet old people as well as rad young people would all hang out there and maybe we'd have scrabble tournaments and shows there? umm..yes and this would maybe also function as "home base" for a pretty gnarly and creative ministry that enlists/harbors/encourages/promotes local artists and writers and musicians and generally community-and-creation-oriented/appreciative folks..and everyone could hang out and visit and get into crazy heated discussions but also just sit and reminisce or stare out windows or make stuff with scissors and glue and glitter and love... and kindergarten classes could come there on field trips to help me bake cookies and then they could all sit around with cookies and milk and listen to me read them my favorite peter pan picturebook from england. umm oh and also, maybe i would just live upstairs or something and i could have a nice little sewing studio up there where i turn my thrift treasures into custom deluxe "couture" items for my dear friends and acquaintances (and inevitably strangers who hear about the rad junk i'm making and bring their own fistfuls of fabric and dreams to me...maha) that would be during most of the year, in a city, but not too big of a city, but not too little of a city. then during the summer months, i would retreat to my dear little ancient farmhouse in the saskatchewan countryside, where i would live "the simple life" (man, paris and nicole really ruined that phrase) and write stories and have a garden with a LOT of peas in it and picnics and build little boats to float on the dugouts and watch black and white movies in the middle of the night and sleep with all the windows in the house open.

wow. that sounds really good! i like this version. (oh and the end part, when i get old, i will move away, across the atlantic ocean, and live in a tiny cottage in the woods by a stream with a bazillion flowers consuming my yard/house and a rough-looking little wooden fence/gate that i may or may not build myself, near a little town where i will maybe finish the one story i will take my entire life to write and be that gregarious old woman who keeps the townspeople entertained during my sassy jaunts into town for milk and mail. ... and i will probably make them cookies too.)


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enough of this silly stuff!

i get way too serious when i'm alone. i could definitely use a solid crew of friends around again and a bit of being fun! i'm really stoked for a change of scenery, an undercover life, space to change, people my actual age again, a decent cup of coffee, a book store, a movie theatre, spare time, snowflakes, new places to explore, midnight dinner, aimless walks, conversations with strangers, people who actually are strangers, not just familiar faces whose names i've forgotten...yeah, this will be good.