maybe we lived too hard. wore ourselves out. i just wish it felt like there was more to show for it.

i saw a familiar chap last night. he played some songs. we laughed a little. he's one of those characters you come across in your life, the kind who seem to mean it. to mean it all. the kind you wish you were.

i haven't done anything good lately. (maybe ever.)
i can't remember the last time i meant something.
i keep asking myself, or the universe, or time, or God, or no one, if i ever meant anything at all.

i can't seem to find a familiar fiber.
are we supposed to feel like this?
are there supposed to be this many questions?

i can't shake the feeling..
it's like i froze somewhere ages ago, and someone somewhat thoughtful tucked me inside a bear--in amongst its hot wet guts--and forgot me there...and when i awoke, i thought i was the bear...existed for so long, contorted and distorted in my decaying facade...

and that's probably just the worst analogy in the world, but it's just the very only feeling it's felt like. so now here i am, in the january air, holding scraps of hair fast about me as i try to perceive myself as this person who's unwittingly emerged "from the belly of the beast." and coping with ancient recollections of the future. lamenting the seasons misspent, hoarding and hibernating. recognizing a self no one has ever seen. aching through the process of redemption. feeling so foreign.

i want to be sincere.
i don't know how.
i want to mean it.
but i don't know if i do.

it's all too new.

midnight / mercutio

I dream'd a dream to-night.
and so did i.
Well what was yours?
that dreamers often lie.

* * *

true, i talk of dreams,
which are the children of an idle brain,
begot of nothing but vain fantasy,
which is as thin of substance as the air
and more inconstant than the wind, who wooes
even now the frozen bosom of the north,
and, being anger'd, puffs away from thence,
turning his face to the dew-dropping south.

does it count if you fake it?

i watched some ducks today.
they were in a .. gosh i don't know what to call it .. it's not a stream, it's just some kind of delightfully misplaced windey bit of water beside the strip mall around the corner... there was not one, but two shopping carts dumped in it. the ducks didn't seem to mind. i minded. it's not very tasteful to put shopping carts in ducktown. some other ducks were strolling around beside the water and at first i thought they were carrying chunks of snow in their mouths, but then i realized it was just fluffy snow piled up on top of their bills. again, they didn't seem to mind. i laughed at them and i think some people driving by laughed at me laughing by myself.

maybe i'll just be a duck for a bit.
they seem to have their priorities straight.