the place between your heart and your head

is your throat.

that's kind of interesting, hey: the place where your words are made is the place where your heart and your head meet up. i think this is important and i just realized it. that's really cool though, because that really fits with what i've been thinking about this morning (and what i need to purge out of my mind to make room for the entire book i need to read today)...

"out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks"

or does it??
i used to have this accidental dissociation between what i really felt/thought and what my facial expression said i was feeling/thinking. but now that i think about it, it was probably just that i was putting my thoughts or feelings too much in my head and i just looked like i was thinking too much when really maybe i was happy or angry or excited...i think i got over that, but now it's turned into this thing where what i say is overflowing out of my head more than my heart. in fact, yep, i definitely remember saying a couple weeks ago "i usually don't let something out of my mouth until it's been in my head for a day." isn't that horrible!!?! i'm trying to figure out why i don't let things out of my heart so easily. in fact, if i were to adapt this i suppose i would have to admit that "i usually don't let something out of my mouth until it's been in my heart for a year."

wow. whoa. wow. okay. so i just looked down at the glass case beside me and noticed the reflection of the window and outside in it, where it is snowing these wonderful, electric, fluffy flakes. and this dull, upside-down partial reflection of an image through a dirty window is the perfect illustration God is giving me right now of what my love is like. it's not even close to being outside in the snow with it hiding itself in your hair and brushing past your face. it's dust locked up in a box forgotten in an old house. (i had a dream about an old house full of dirt and cobwebs last night. i just remembered that. hmm.)

i had a moment in there where i stopped and just listened to the music playing and the one line sung in my pause was "lose your head just for your heart." what an obvious morning i'm having--one of those scripted days. oh but seriously now, copeland. copeland. oooh. i don't even know what to say. i have been so absolutely dumbstruck and content since friday night. which is maybe awful but maybe wonderful. i won't let myself decide because i don't trust me with it.

their music has always just been this strange secret thing that has snuck past my defences and made me acknowledge things i'm hiding or trying to escape from. and my head loves it because it's such a one-sided conversation where my heart is not accountable to anyone because they're not really there. another awful admission of how my head gets me in trouble. i'm not living how i'm meant to.

and i wonder, have i ever really loved someone? i mean i know i love my family and friends a lot, but i can't help but feel like i've been giving them a lot of logical love. it's like--like living off your talents instead of your gifts. you can use the things you're good at to make a life and to make people perceive you as successful...i could use my talents to do an administrative job hands-down. but there's no passion there. on the other hand, you can choose to use the gifts God's given you (which often are complemented by your talents) and spend your life on something worthwhile, something that you are passionate about. my passion is Truth. and i'm probably going to say something about that in a minute. [feel free to stop reading..this is basically a novel..i suppose my blog is my new place to sort out my thoughts since life has switched from dorm days with jen analyzing ourselves to alone days at work analyzing myself]... umm but yeah, head love and heart love, talents and gifts...i apologize to anyone who is reading this because chances are good i've been giving you pathetic things i've pulled out of the dusty old forgotten box and that's no kind of good.

hmm so on the way home from copeland, karl asked me what my favorite season was. he said his favorite time is when it's changing from winter to spring. i realized as i drove to work this morning at 14km/hr. behind a street scraper that this (literally and metaphorically) is the time i am anticipating so hard when i let myself realize it. God i want to let my heart feel something and say something. last night i was thinking how interesting it'd be to take a vow of silence over Lent. i'm quite upset that at this point in time it's not feasible. i cannot wait to be done school. it seems to be the one thing in my way. hahah which is terrible to say, but honestly, it is, and it's the weapon i've chosen to amputate my heart and it's a heavy jacket i can't wait to take off.

finishing a degree...also the time to start letting yourself freak out a bit because you have no idea what to do next and it's that part of your life where you could completely forfeit it and send everything to hell or find out the right way to go and get on it. i don't think i've been freaking out over it 'cause i've got plenty of options and my passion for Truth and teaching and talking and junk is pretty flexible...i just haven't been satisfied because i had this nagging feeling that i was looking through a catalogue when i was supposed to be drawing something. BUT..i think a light (or just another bulb on a strand of christmas lights i'm following) came on this weekend at YQ.

there was a guy named Brett Ullman doing seminars and i went to a couple. the first was as if he'd taken everything crucial i've learned and been on fire about in all my years of college and in my own personal studies and condensed it into one amazingly effective and spectacular presentation on media/faith/culture. i was so stoked on it. and then i got to thinking. i would love love love doing stuff like that--seminars and conventions and presentations on being media-literate and culturally-aware. but then i got to thinking how it's kind of limited to stuff like YQ or bible colleges, and how people who really need to hear it and realize the impact this stuff is having on them and the potential it has to really screw up their lives, aren't hearing it (outside the 1 commercial they run on muchmusic occasionally about being media-literate)...and how cool would it be to join the masses of random characters who speak at junior high/high schools every year (motivational speakers, drug and alcohol-awareness, etc.) as a youth culture specialist who speaks on media and culture and all the stuff that our young people are buying into without knowing it? i don't know if i'm really saying what i mean here, but that's exciting because this is actually something i think i'm letting out of my heart on a whim...i would be so pumped to do that kind of thing! and like, doing similar stuff for parents and other adults who deal with teens...gah! i know for a fact people in that situation are totally hungry to know all this stuff i've learned and the things i study...i don't want to keep it to myself! i really honestly feel like this could be a huge open space just begging for adventure to be had in it...hmmmm.....

"it's a fight between my heart and mind .. no one really wins this time .. in the endless fight of grace and pride .. i don't want to win this time."

mahah...thank you again copeland for one more perfectly placed lyric i found in a pause :)
and thank you Brett Ullman for the lightswitch.
and thank you Kim for inspiring me to give an Oscar speech at the end of this blog.
and thank you all for graciously accepting my counterfeit love and not complaining about the dust i got all over it. i promise i'll give you something nicer soon.

<3