dear world,

jamison says we're sticking it to the man in our exercise to avoid msn and myspace for a week...but i don't think i'm trying to stick it to the man...(and i know he's kidding)...but i do agree that it feels nice to be partially free of the internet. although i haven't really been doing many other amazing things with my newfound spare time. kim and i agreed to have a Star Wars-athon before she left and see all 6 movies. which was a wretched mistake. but we were dead set on finishing, so i think i've spent the better part of last night and today watching those. there was a shining moment last night at around 3am when Yoda did something i found excessively hilarious. oh and dear jamison (an aside): i was only wearing a hoodie outside here in saskatchewan in the middle of the night tonight...although i think i encountered an abominable snowman at one point in a Star Wars movie..it was COOL! i think more puppets/animatronics should be integrated in films...CG is soooo lame. but anyways, it has been a good exercise in self-control steering clear of these two avenues of communication (although i admit, i had to sign on to myspace very briefly to get in touch with a couple of my youth leaders about youth group tonight..but i avoided all other temptations like messages and comments!) um yeah it's hard though because i don't really have anyone literally here with me to have a good conversation with! except kim's here till sunday..except we basically know all each other's secrets and stories and lives, so it's not as exciting as faroff friends i suppose.

un-internet things besides Star Wars that i did today:
- began to make up about 4 stories in my head and then abandoned each of them once i got too wrapped up in them (they're awful, like big spider webs sometimes)
- saw my doctor/surgeon guy who is a very sweet man from Nigeria (he was happy to tell me i'm not as bad-off as they thought i was and then he prayed for me using lovely ancient words and his nice African accent, it kind of felt like magic i think)
- rocked everyone's faces off at youth group with my previously unknown pictionary prowess (i chalk it up to reading too much and being so "thesorelogical"--yeah. i'm that good. i have the authority to make up my own words.)
- spent some time with kim watching The Man In the Iron Mask (which made me happy because:
a. it fit with me and karl's discussion about honor and the characters in it were very inspiring
b. i was reminded how much i like watching leonardo dicaprio make me forget that he exists outside whatever character he's playing in a film
c. it renewed my appreciation for the modern accessibility that men have to showers)


i also spent a good deal of time feeling something growing inside of me and not being able to tell what it is...it feels like it's in my heart, but then it feels like it's in my throat, my hands, in my eyes... maybe it was just the stories. but it somehow seems to me that something is building, and it's not just in me but it's outside of me, but it's so safely contained in either place that it's aching to escape and threatening to but i'm having a hard time discerning things lately, too. there are many paths to the same end. are there? ambition? mission? love? going, staying, it's all the same, all the same... there is an end i'm supposed to be making my way to. i just can't tell which decision will lead me there. my distrust for myself looms unwelcome in the rooms i go to seek counsel in. and i know i shouldn't give my self so much credit. i'm awfully bad at this all. i'll keep at it though. and if anyone should entrust you with any clues for me, please don't hide them away...i could use a clue or two!

signed
sincerely,
Nancy Drew.